"Bully" (UPDATED)

There's a powerful movie coming out in March called "Bully".  Since this blog pertains to that subject, and its tragic results, I'm sure many people who read this blog are already aware of its impending release.  Judging by the trailer, alone, it's a must-see movie.  What I'm not sure everyone is aware of is that the MPAA, that autonomous group of people who decides what is appropriate for us to watch, has deemed "Bully" inappropriate for teens to watch without parental supervision.

UPDATE:  Incredibly,  someone left a comment to this blog post chastising me for calling a film that I haven't seen yet a "must-see" movie.  Well, let's see:  of the five youngsters who were featured in the movie, two have already committed suicide.  That, to me, makes it a "must-see".  This issue is real; the people in the movie aren't actors.

On the surface, this isn't a bad thing:  this is one of those movies that parents should watch with their kids so that they can have an open dialogue afterwards.  The problem with the rating is that it assures that the movie will not be screened where it needs to be seen the most:  in the classroom, where the worlds of the bullies and the bullied collide.  The precise audience that really needs to see this won't be able to unless their mommy or daddy takes the to see it.  Why?  Because, according to MPAA, "Bully" contains strong language.  See, in their world, they still pretend that teens don't hear, or USE, that kind of language.  I haven't seen the movie, yet, so I don't know just how strong the "strong language" is.  However, I would bet that it's no stronger than anything they're not already hearing in school.  Or, in some cases, even at home, for that matter.  Does that make it right?  No.  Does it make it reality?  Yes.

Here's the issue, as I see it:  this is a movie that desperately needs to be viewed in every school across this country and around the world.  The classroom is the perfect "theatre" for this film, for reasons stated earlier.  That's bringing both sides together on the battlefield in an effort to end the war.  That's showing the aggressor, the bully, the consequences of his/her deeds.  The impact would be potentially enormous.  Forget the language!  Lives are being lost.

To be sure, two of the five teens featured in this movie have committed suicide already.  That, alone, speaks volumes to the need for this to be viewed, universally, in the classroom.  Perhaps the members of the MPAA aren't attuned to the severity of the situation.   The Weinstein Group, producers of the movie, has already met with the MPAA in an effort to convince them to reverse their decision.  No dice.  What will it take?  More teen suicides?  The suicide of a teen close to them because of bullying?  I don't know that answer.  What I do know is that this problem is real.  This is a problem that needs to be addressed.  And, make no mistake:  there are efforts worldwide to address it.  Now, we need people like MPAA to stop putting up roadblocks to slow down the movement.

UPDATE:  Since posting this article, there has been a petition set in motion to attempt to get the MPAA to reverse their rating.  This is, without a doubt, a movie that HAS to be shown in classrooms across the country and around the world.   With enough signatures, we can show the MPAA that a little "strong language" pales in comparison to having another family lose their child to bullying.  So, it is my hope that everyone who reads this will SIGN THE PETITION.

There are a lot of wonderful things going on across the country and around the world as people, young and old, are speaking out and making a strong effort to do what our leaders have so far failed to do:  rid this world of bullying once and for all.  "Kids will be kids"?  Save it.  Too many lives are being lost from "kids being kids".  "Bullying will never end?"  I agree, as long as there are people willing to accept that backwards philosophy.  I'm a believer that anything is possible if your willing to work hard for it.  

Too Close to Home

Those of you who know me know about my surrogate son, Marty.  He's a wonderful, very sensitive, sometimes obnoxious 22-year-old.  Tonight, I received a panic-laden phone call from him that went like this:

"Ron.  I've got a very serious problem, and I don't know what to do.  My friend, 'Carol' just told me that she wants to die and that she took 50 sleeping pills.  What should I do?"

He gets flustered easily.  This time it was warranted.  Being as closely involved with this anti-suicide mission as I've been since the onset of this blog paid huge dividends.  I knew exactly what needed to be done.

"You need to get off the phone with me and call the police immediately!  Tell them exactly what you just told me.  Give them all of the information you can about where she is right now."

Reluctantly, he hung up and followed directions to the "t".  "Reluctantly" because he didn't know what to expect from his friend.   "Reluctantly" because dealing with the authorities makes him nervous.  I guess.  Whatever the reservations, he got the job done.  Shortly thereafter, the police called back and told him that they'd contacted his friend Carol and that she'd told them that she was just fine.  This was confusing.

There was also some apprehension on his part because he knows his friend and knows that, well, she's cried wolf before.  In fact, he became a bit agitated.  I reminded him that "this is not about you; it's about Carol.  What if she's telling you the truth?  What if she really did take the pills.  You cannot chance the possibility that she COULD be telling you the truth this time."

A phone call from her confirmed that she had, indeed, told him the truth.  He could hear the grogginess in her voice.  He called the police again.  This time armed with an address he could give them, they were able to send a squad car to her home.

They reached her before the pills had time to take full affect.  Stomach pumped, Carol is now recovering in a local hospital.  An exhausted, dazed and confused Marty helped save his friend's life.  Of course, never to miss out on a dramatic moment, now he's concerned that she's going to be mad at him when she gets out of the hospital.  He's concerned that his actions tonight may have ended their friendship.

For myself, this was a learning experience, given up close and personal.  First of all, knowing what to do when you're faced with an in-the-moment crisis is absolutely crucial.  If someone has already swallowed a bottle of pills, or is standing in front of you with a gun in their hand pointed at their head, there's no margin for error.  Knowing what to do in the heat of the moment is imperative.  This is why I repeatedly list resources that can be used if ever faced with that situation:

Suicide Support
STOP Teenage Suicide
Befrienders
1-800-273-8255(TALK)

Needless to say, there are more resources available.  However, having these handy will save lives if used.  And, of course, if the urgency is there (as was the case with Carol), dialing 911 is critical.

When do you take a suicide threat as a bluff?  Easy answer:  never.  Even in a case where you know that the person has a history of crying wolf, or is prone to drama, you never know when "this" would be the time when they're telling the truth.  Had Marty followed his intuition, and his history of dealing with Carol, chances are pretty good that she'd be gone, now.  This wouldn't be the first time I've dealt with someone who raised questions as to whether or not they were being sincere or just having fun at my expense.  However, I treated each case as if they had the loaded Glock pointed at their head as we spoke.  There is no alternative.  We don't have a choice.

People who have suicidal ideation have no intent or desire to wake up in the hospital.  I surely didn't.  And, I was quite unhappy to wake up in ICU and learn that a.) I was still here; and, b.) that my sister had saved me.  Unhappy, yes.  Mad at her?  No.  Conversely, I do know that there are times when the unsuccessful suicide victim becomes very angry towards the person(s) who saved them.  They get over it.  Eventually, they come to the understanding that life is good and that they're glad that someone intervened.  When a person is to the point in their life where the only viable option to them is suicide, they've given up all hope for any semblance of a bright future, of being happy, of things actually getting better.  To have someone "ruin" their well-thought out plan of suicide is maddening.  The bright side is that, as time goes on, we start putting the pieces of our lives back together.  All of a sudden, new opportunities arise and we see hope for a brighter future.  We get in touch with things that make us happy...maybe even learn some new things that accomplishes that goal.  Little-by-little, things actually do start to get better.  And, that's when we realize how happy, and grateful, we are that someone had the courage to risk our relationship for that sake of saving our life.

It probably won't set in with Marty for quite some time the role he played tonight in Carol's life.  Without him, her family would most likely be making funeral arrangements right now.  Because of him, they've possibly been saved, even if only for now, from a lifetime of debilitating grief.  I'm mighty proud of him.

It's feels good to write a happy ending.

Spencer Watson Seupel 1990-2012

Making sense of a suicide is a daunting task at best.  In many, if not most, cases, it's an impossible one.  Friday, Spencer Watson Seupel, 21, ended what promised to be a brilliant, productive, happy life.  He wasn't bullied.  There's no indication anywhere of him being gay.  Still, in a moment of impulsivity, he's gone.

Spencer's suicide was the result of binge drinking.  Alcohol.  That cunning, and quite legal, drug that claims thousands of lives annually.  At the root of the suicide, however, was something deeper.  I certainly cannot tell the story any better than his own mother.  It's a very compelling story, indeed.

In the media, and in the circles of social media, we hear a lot about bullying as it pertains to young people ending their lives.  And, make no mistake, bullying is an issue that demands a lot of immediate attention as it truly is playing a large role in many, many teen suicide.  However, bullying is not the only reason young people commit suicide.  Understanding that is a vital baby step in the right direction.  Knowing some of the other issues that leads young people to feel suicide is the only answer is an essential quantum leap in that same direction.

Depression has been named in many teen suicides even since I began this blog in November.  In some instances, even if there's been bullying, depression was the actual root.  The bullying simply exacerbated an already volatile situation.  Understanding depression isn't restricted to just the psychiatric field by any stretch.  We can educate ourselves, as well.  We can, and we must if we're to save lives.  But, the vast majority of us are not professionals in the field of mental health.  Therefore, how would we know?  How could we spot it?  And, better still, what do we do when we do recognize it?  That's where educating ourselves comes in. 

See, if we're to truly make a difference, if we're really serious about bringing about change, it's going to take so much more than just ranting about how bad it is that all these beautiful young souls are killing themselves or how horrifying it is that these young people are being bullied.  And, that's not said in a derogatory manner by any means.  I do as much ranting as any two people combined!  That said, and beyond the ranting, it's going to take real action if we're to rein this back in.  It can be done.

Sometimes, something as simple as a kind word, or an attentive ear can make a difference in a young person's life.  Far too many of these young people feel disconnected, a sense of worthlessness even as their families and friends surround and shower them with love and attention.  Self-esteem appears to be a major factor.  So, giving them positive reinforcements regularly helps bolster their low sense of worth.  As non-professionals, we can still help reverse that by reminding them, constantly, of the positives in their lives.

For Spencer, perhaps it was a mixture of all the above.  Certainly, the drug we call alcohol delivered the final blow.  But, there were already mechanisms in place that created the environment, if only in his own mind, that made Spencer feel suicide was the answer.  His loving family is left to attempt to put the pieces of this puzzle together.  I hope Spencer can now find the peace that eluded him here on Earth.

Stopping Intolerance in Tennessee

As I was preparing to leave the house to go to work, I ran across this post from a girl who regularly posts in one of my favorite facebook communities.  It stopped me in my tracks.

I ask everyone to check this out. This is my home state, and I believe this bill will negativly effect the LGBT youth in TN. This will also prevent any LBGT facing discrimination to seek a supportive teacher for information. The bill has already been passed by the senate and the K-12 subcommittee. Give 'em call? 

It grabbed my attention because I love the things she posts in this particular community, so I always pay attention when I see her name.  It grabbed my attention because I've already written about Stacey Campfield's myopic bill that he's trying to push through legislation in Tennessee.  And, I've posted links to a petition put in place to get this bill killed.  This particular bill, dubbed the "Don't Say Gay" bill will have a devastating effect on the LGBT students in their school system, in a state that has already had 2 LGBT teen suicides since early December.  So, I will post the link to the petition again and hope that every single person who reads this article will sign it.  Remember Power in Numbers?  We can change things.

By clicking the link in her post, "check this out", you will see a list of phone numbers to call and voice your complaints and opinions.  Wouldn't it be great to find out that their switchboards were overloaded with incoming calls on this matter!?  Whatever it takes.

Call it a "Call To Action"; call it "getting involved".  Whatever.  I called it zero tolerance for intolerance and hatred.  This is "bullying" at a high level.  We can stop it if we all work together.

Student Attacked for Writing Pro-Gay Article

This is particularly troubling because it didn't happen in middle-school.  It wasn't high-school.  This happened on a college campus!  Destinie Mogg-Barkalow, a student journalist at Bridgewater State University in Bridgewater, Massachusetts, wrote a pro-gay article about Proposition 8: "Prop 8 Generates More Hate".  And, for this, she was attacked on campus.  Apparently, the young lady who punched Destinie doesn't agree with same-sex marriage. That's tolerable.  Using violence for any reason isn't.

For the record, her article, "Prop 8 Generates More Hate", is very well written and makes valid points.  Nothing inflammatory.  Just the same, points and questions many of us have been thinking, saying, and asking all along...just with Destinie's point-of-view.  And, for that, she was attacked.

The level of intolerance in this case is incredible.  Incredible, but not necessarily surprising.  See, one thing I've been saying since even before the blog is that the rhetoric from "the other side" is extremely dangerous.  It's inflammatory by design.  It's used to rile up their base, their followers.  The problem with that is it leads to violence.  There will always be someone amongst their minions who will feel it their duty to take the message of hate and intolerance that they've been hearing to the next level.  "I'm gonna take matters in my own hand."  Or, worse, "I'm doing God's will".  And, that's when a young college student/journalist, who voices her opinion in the school newspaper, gets attacked.  That's when LGBT teens get attacked at middle- and high-school.  The message that has been ingrained in them, from their "religious" leaders and parents is that if it goes against their religious belief, then it's abhorrent and a threat to their very existence.  What we end up with then is hatred in the name of God.  And, THAT'S a sin!  Worse:  it's blasphemous.  Anything on the other side of their door of acceptance is a threat to their very existence and is to be hated. 

It is completely ok to believe in what you believe in.  That's everyone's right under the U.S. Constitution.  Theoretically, at least.  It is absolutely NEVER ok for anyone to force their religious beliefs down another person's throat.  Whatever happened to freedom of religion?  Who says that your religion is the only one with "the right answers"?  Who are you to decide who's condemned to Hell, or not, in accordance to your religious beliefs?  Why do we, as a people, continue to put religious fanatics in political power and then complain when they start attempting to legislate their religious beliefs?  "The Other Side" likes to tout that they're against the government interfering in people's lives.  Really?  Then, why are they so passionately concerned about who loves whom, or who marries whom?  Why is their focus so acutely attuned to the same-sex marriage issue when we have an economy in shambles, unacceptable unemployment rates, people homeless and hungry.  One would think that those things would be more important for them to focus on rather than who's loving whom.

Destinie should've never been attacked.  She wrote an excellent op-ed piece about something she felt passionate about.  Freedom of speech.  But, because their opinions obviously didn't match, some girl decided to attack Destinie for voicing her opinion.  The case is being investigated as a hate crime.  As well it should.

Bullying of a Different Color

I just read an article about racism within the gay community that opened the box of a lot of ugly memories.

I remember my twink days well.  At one point, I was having a fling with another, fellow twink who was white.  It was, well...we were young.  Then, he met this other guy who was slightly older than myself.  And, also white.  They immediately hit it off and started to "fling", themselves.  Then came the cruising of the clubs.  Then came the phone conversation:  "Well, David and I were talking, and we both decided that we're too good to waste ourselves on a black guy."  Needless to say, I'll never forget that phone call.  Or, the deep hurt I felt from being told I wasn't good enough because of my skin tone.

I remember, also from my twink days, and after being blown off by my former partner because I was black and, in his own words, unworthy, going to a gay club downtown.  It was a very popular club at the time and was packed to the gills.  Shortly after arriving, I saw him:  my Mr. Right!  Six-feet, lean, blond and blue.  With a smile that wouldn't quit.  My first thought was "I'm taking him home tonight".  I made strong eye contact with him while he was, um, working, and we exchanged pleasantries.  "Win!!!", I thought.  I thought wrong.  At the end of the day, he went home with a man roughly twice my age, at least a half-foot shorter but easily 75-100 lbs heavier. (close your eyes and envision THAT!)  Oh, did I say that he was also white?  So, once again, the reinforcement was there:  I'm inferior because of my skin-tone.

Fast forward to San Francisco, 1986.  I'm no longer a twink, but I'm still young, and still a lean, very handsome (so I was told), athletic man.  Black man.  I had a lot of acquaintances in the Polk Gulch area with whom I socialized with regularly.  One night, five of us had been out just enjoying the evening:  couple of beers, lots of laughs, fun stuff.  One suggested that we go back to his place and have an orgy.  I couldn't believe my ears!!!!  Everyone was in agreement.  So, off we merrily go.  His apartment was only a few blocks away, on Sutter.  Upon entering his apartment, he turned to me and said "Sorry, you're not invited.  This is for white guys, only."  He may as well have pulled out a .45 and shot me in between the eyes.  I cannot even explain how hurt I was, or how low I felt upon hearing that, once again, my skin-tone had rendered me unworthy.(I will say, though, that one of the guys strongly objected to the host's exhibition of racist ignorance, told the host so, and we had our own fun for the evening.  Still, the damage had been done.)

In this article, they speak of racism within the gay community as if it's a new trend.  As you have just read, it's nowhere near a new thing.  It's a large reason why I disengaged myself from "the gay community" long ago.  Those three instances alone proved to me, beyond a doubt, that I didn't have a place within the community.  Well, I guess I did as long as I kept myself segregated.  To my disadvantage, in this case, I just happened to be born "color-blind".  Even in today's world, it still exists.  Maybe, because of the far-reaching instantaneousness of the Internet, even to a greater extent.  I've checked out several of the online dating sites and, lo and behold, the ones I've found attractive have profiles that clearly states that I'm not in their realm of attraction.  Even with those who list their wider diversity, "black" is not one of their suitable preferences.

I found it quite telling, this segment taken from the article:

"After having a few drinks with my friend, I walk home through the garment district in midtown Manhattan. I see a gay male couple walking hand in hand down the street... Their relaxed and happy faces turn frightened when they see me, and they immediately cease holding hands and separate. On this late night in an unfamiliar area of the city, I am not seen as a member of the LGBT community. I am black. I am male. I am a threat."

That's a snapshot of the real world.

So, what does this have to do with the anti-bullying, stop-teen-suicide campaign that I've immersed myself in?  Do you think that all gay teens are white?  Well, the obvious answer is "of course not".  Like the symbol of our pride, they are every color of the rainbow, so to speak.  So, what happens when young, black Tony falls in love with white Michael only to have Michael tell him "I'm too good to waste myself on a black guy"?  Will that be the straw to break the proverbial camel's back?  Wouldn't those words be a form of bullying?  If your answer is yes to either, the battle is even tougher than first realized.  But, to further complicate matters, how exactly does one address this issue?  Do we teach the black and minority LGBT teens that they've got yet another battle they'll have to fight, and this foe will come from within the ranks of the LGBT community?  Well, that will go over well.  Do we tell they the black and minority LGBT teen that (s)he may as well forget about finding a partner outside of their race because, in the LGBT community, white is king?  What exactly is the answer?  We're begging, no demanding!!!, that the world start treating us, the LGBT community, as equals.  As well it should!  Yet, we don't even treat our own as equals. 

The last piece of the article was, I think, my favorite.  It speaks volumes.

"We all have 'preferences' and that's certainly our right," he says. "But we don't have a right to make people feel inferior because they look different from us— any more than straight people have a right to make us feel inferior because of who we choose to love. Not in this day and age. Not after all we've gone through. Not anymore."

 We have a lot of work to do.

Drew Ferraro's Family Fights Back Against Bullying

With the grief still raw from his suicide, the family of Drew Ferraro has decided to join the fight to end bullying.  At a memorial service held for their gone-too-soon son, they handed out business cards with Drew's image on one side, and the numbers for suicide prevention as well as the email address for a couple of websites to stop bullying.  None of this will help bring back Drew, of course, but their aim is to do everything they can to assure that no family ever has to go through the devastation that they're experiencing.

This is what it's going to take.  It's going to take more families getting involved and demanding change.  No child, ever, should be bullied...period.  As an extension, however, no child certainly should ever have to feel like the only way to get away from the bullying is to end his or her life.  That's why I write these articles.  That's why so many people are getting involved with such a critically essential struggle:  this has to end now!

We are already painfully aware that the officials, be it school officials, law enforcement, or even some politicians, are more than willing to turn a blind eye to the problem.  Indeed, the statement from the La Cresenta law enforcement was that "their investigation" showed no evidence of bullying.  In fact, he defiantly added "I know there has been a lot of speculation about bullying -- it had nothing to do with that."  Apparently, their investigation was in the wrong places.  It was reported here from the beginning that Drew Ferraro ended his life because of bullying.  Now certainly isn't the time or place for "I told you so", and that's not my intent; however, if friends and family say that it was caused by bullying, it just doesn't matter what the school officials or law enforcers say.  They're simply trying to cover their own asses.  Those closest to the victims, those left to pick up the pieces, will certainly know better than the "officials" what happened to their loved one.

It's up to us, the concerned citizens of the world community, to make the changes that are necessary to bring this woeful chapter to an abrupt end.  A lot is being done.  And, progress is being made.  Just not fast enough.  Certainly not fast enough to save Drew Ferraro's life or any other of the dozens of teens who have taken their own lives because of bullying just this year alone.  Dozens!!  Today is only the 49th day of the year!!!  Can you see the urgency?

These are links and numbers everyone should have handy at all times:
WHOF's Suicide Support page
STOP Teenage Suicide
Stop Bullying website
1-800-273-TALK(8255)

No child, gay or straight, black or white, fat, skinny, Martian, or otherwise should ever, EVER, be put in a position where they feel that ending their life is the only hope they have for the bullying to end.  At the end of the program handed out by Drew's family at his memorial get-together were the words "Zero Tolerance against Bullying".  Where have you read that before?