What IS The Answer?

A short while ago, I posted yet another story about yet another young person who’d ended their life far too early.  Hours before, I, along with several others, worked feverishly for an hour or so helping another young man who was at-risk and in a very bad place.  Earlier in the day, someone sent me an article about yet another teen who’d ended HIS life too early.  That’s a staggering rate of carnage.  It leaves me to wonder just what IS the answer? 

Is more laws and stiffer penalties for bullying really the answer?  Well, that’s a mixed bag.  On the one hand, yes, it certainly is at least part of the answer.  See, kids today have a sense of carte blanche when it comes to trampling on the emotions of other, more vulnerable youth.  We watch a video of a teenaged thug who waits for his victim at the classroom door and, when his target arrives, proceeds to pummel the poor boy, causing physical damage and unimaginable emotional and psychological harm.  His punishment?  A three-day suspension.  A THREE-DAY SUSPENSION for savagely beating a boy because he is gay.  That’s called first-degree assault.  And, first-degree assault is punishable by years of incarceration.  Yet, lawmakers across the country are hesitant to stiffen the laws to protect these young people from being attacked, be it verbally, emotionally, or physically.  Worse, far too often, the school officials are reluctant to act at all.  One of my favorite quotes came from a year ago and Asher Brown’s bullying and consequent suicide.  His parents were told “if he didn’t act [gay], he wouldn’t be bullied.”  Really?  So, because he acted “like he was gay”, it was alright for him to be bullied?  No charges were pressed against anyone in this case, which is a tragedy in itself.  Certainly, stiffer laws and stronger penalties are needed to protect these young people from attacks.  ”Boys will be boys” is no longer acceptable.  What’s needed is a zero-tolerance policy for bullying or any acts of intolerance and hatred.  But, that’s still not THE answer. 

Are we seeing the results of a media feeding frenzy when it comes to teen-aged suicides?  Quite possibly.  I found it incredibly unnerving when two beautiful 10-year-old girls hanged themselves within two weeks of each other.  It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the thought of a 10-year-old being so distraught that she feels no other recourse but to end her life.  When I was 10, I didn’t even know what suicide was, let alone have a concept of how to commit it.  But, we won’t go there because then we’d have to discuss things like the Wright Brothers, the Model T, and black-and-white televisions.  When I was 10, however, there was no such thing as 24-hour cable news channels (or, CABLE, for that matter), or the Internet.  I didn’t have immediate access to what was going on RIGHT NOW in the world.  I didn’t get to know that a boy in Arkansas shot himself or a girl in Spokane took an overdose of pills.  Suicide, in fact, wasn’t even part of our vernacular.  Today’s youth are inundated with very graphic details about what’s going on in the world, both good and bad.  So, when a very young child hears or reads about another very young child, somewhere in a whole different part of the country or world, being so distraught from being bullied that she ended up taking their very young life, do you not think that that leaves an imprint on that young person’s psyche?  Well, of course it does.  The problem here is that there’s no way to stop the media machine.  They make their living by reporting the news, and unfortunately sex and death, and everything related to both!, sells!!!!!  Although the media machine can’t be controlled, the information received by these young people CAN.  And, that my third point.

I very strongly believe that this war has to be won in the homes first and foremost.  The bullies are, in many if not most cases, learning their behaviors at home.  Some are most likely bullied or abused at home by one or both of their parents or older (or just bigger) siblings.  Some learn their intolerance and hatred from listening to the rhetoric of their intolerant, possibly bigoted parents.  That’s not to make an excuse for either group.  Rather, it’s to underscore the reality that the frontline in this battle is definitely in the home.  Similarly, the at-risk youth need to be re-educated to report any and all acts of bullying and discrimination to a trusted adult, preferably their parents, absolutely must be done.  And, it must be done in the home.  Teachers, and other school administrators, need to be more proactive, and interactive, as opposed to reactive, in the schools.   Conversely, if they're not 100% reactive after an incident has occurred, if they are unwilling to hold the person or people accountable, then they, too, must be held accountable.  Zero tolerance.

Another Bullycide: Rest in Peace Mason Carter - Age 13

It's coming to the point where everyday when you look at your computer screen, there's yet another story about a young teen ending his/her life because of bullying.  Today is no different.  

Mason Carter was 13 years old.  Just 13.  Life hadn't even begun to unfold for him.  Now, it's over.  According the Mason's step-father, he's positive that bullying played a huge factor in his stepson's suicide.  Mason was an Honor Roll student and "a brilliant kid", according t0 his stepfather.  Tuesday, he was found with a .45 caliber Glock nearby, dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

It's not enough to continue the dialogue about ending the epidemic of bullying and the teen suicides it often leads to.  What's needed at this very moment in our history is iron-clad action.  We need a plan.  We need action.  Talking about changing things is not working.  Legislating it will do little, although tougher laws and definitive penalties are needed.  It is my strong opinion that we need a total re-education, starting with the adults.  What are we teaching our kids, directly or indirectly, when far too many of them feel that it's totally ok for them to treat other fellow human beings with such malice and disregard that the victim feel their only recourse, their only escape is to end their lives?  

For those who haven't realized it yet, we're in crisis mode.  The carnage is piling up by the day.  The time to take action is now.  Sadly, taking action now won't return Mason Carter to his family and friends.

May you rest in peace, Mason.

MORE Jonah Madness!!!

At some point, you have to say "enough".  ENOUGH!!!  I've said this several times previously, and the events of last night simply proved my point.  Ok, let's set the record straight once and for all:  This isn't just about Jonah Mowry! 

Jonah Mowry is a wonderful, courageous 14 year old boy.  Four months ago, he bravely recorded a video exposing his pure fear and pain from being a gay teen, from having been bullied, and from having to face a new school year with only one of his closest friends.  It was a heart wrenching video.  And, the world -- THE WORLD!! -- responded!  In overabundance.  Far, far too many people made this issue all about Jonah rather than the real issue at hand.  See, the true message of that first video was "yeah, I'm scared.  Yeah, this hurts.  But, I'm gonna make it.  I'm gonna be alright."  And, according to most of the responses I read, most people missed the fine print.  Okay, so fine.  Put Jonah's face on the cover if you must. Make Jonah the poster boy.  But, never lose sight of the fact that there are literally millions of Jonahs out there RIGHT NOW who need that same support.  This isn't just about Jonah Mowry.

From the frenzy created by the release of that first video earlier this month, no less that 130 "support" pages for Jonah popped up on facebook.  One of them, "Jonah Mowry, we support you", was prominently featured on a national news broadcast!!  Right there on the green screen, anyone who watched that broadcast or the subsequent repostings of it could clearly see where all the action was.  Free publicity!  The page reached a "membership" of over 36,000!!!! Better yet, more that 40,000 people were "talking about it", which carries a lot of weight on facebook.  Young people were going there to express their kinship with Jonah.  Perfect.  That's what it was supposed to be about.  Former bullies were going there to express their remorse for having put people like Jonah through that and vowing to never do it again.  PERFECT!!  That's what it was supposed to be about.

Last night, the creator of the page blew it up!  Gutted it.  Vanished.  The reason?  Well, I'll keep that under my own hat.  No sense in fanning that flame.  Not only was the page blown up, in its final moments he lashed out verbally at Jonah, posting things that I didn't get the chance to see.  However, from what I understand, and according to some of the reactions that I did get the chance to read, it was really harsh.  I'm not going to speculate.  Again, no sense in fanning that flame.

The real tragedy of it is that the focus was lost.  It's what I've been trying to get across.  See, I know from first-hand experience that this issue of bullying, violence against gay teens, and gay teen suicide is nothing new at all and certainly was NEVER just about Jonah.  Far too many people wanted to make this Jonah's struggle.  It never was.  Now, the hundreds, maybe thousands!, of young people - from both ends of the bully spectrum - have been alienated.  In the end, the page became a mockery of Jonah, himself.  In a culture that was already fragile at best, this is reprehensible.  Daily, there were teens like Jonah who were posting how they could relate to him because, as one boy put it, "we are the same".  Conversely, as one former bully put it "watching your video made me momentarily hate myself".  Watching Jonah's video made him feel remorse for his actions.  And, there were others expressing the same sentiment.  They all found comfort there.  And, with comfort comes healing.  And, from the healing comes growth.  That process was stunted last night.

"Jonah Mowry, we support you" is no more.  That's sad.  However, out of the ruins has emerged the support group Global Bully Awareness.  And, this one isn't about Jonah or any one person in particular.  Rather, it focuses on the issue at hand:  bullying and it's effects.  It has quickly grown to 392 "members".  That's a little more that 1% of what was in the original community.  Hopefully, it won't take too long to get those numbers back up.  It's about reaching out.  It's about providing a safe place for at-risk youth to come and comfortably voice their concerns and issues.  It's about trying to save lives.  Click the link.  "Like" the page.  Then, share it.  There are lives in the balance.

Lady Gaga Bringing Her Anti-Bullying Campaign to Maryland!!??

Maryland Governor, Martin O'Malley has invited pop icon Lady Gaga to Maryland to speak on eliminating bullying in Maryland.  So, what does that mean?  To me, it means that this issue is finally getting the attention that it's deserved for years.  It means that people in powerful places are now taking notice and making an effort.

I can tell you this much:  If our Governor can pull this off, I will be right there in attendance when Gaga comes to Maryland.  And, if it does happen, I will be on the front line (what's new?) attempting to rally more people to attend, take notice, and make a difference.  Either way, kudos to you, Mr. Governor, for even making the attempt.  It's definitely a step in the right direction.

In another piece of fantastic, positive news, facebook has launched its own suicide prevention chat service!  With just over 1/10th of the world's population being on the social networking giant, that's potentially a massive tool!  I know from my own brief experience at this that, whereas funneling these people to the right professional so that they can get the help they desperately need, being able to have somebody to chat with it their moment of crisis has proven over and over to be so vital.  So, thank you, facebook, for stepping up your efforts.

I  want to acknowledge my very dear friend and fellow front-line warrior is this battle against bullying and to prevent teen suicide, Maureen.  Thanks for posting this information.  You're the best!

When Does it End!!!?? REST IN PEACE Isabelle Guyler (AGE 12!!!)

This time, the story comes from the U.K.  No less devastating.  This time, there are conflicting reports as to whether there was bullying involved or not.    It does not matter.  What matters is the world has lost yet another young person to suicide.  Isabelle Guyler was found hanged in her home in Nottingham Friday.

The police say that their "...investigation found no evidence..." of bullying.  However,  one of the memorial pages set up on facebook strongly suggests otherwise.  These are friends and family of the young girl.  And, some are naming names.  I will revisit that in days to come.  Now is not the time.  Right now is the time to mourn yet one more young life lost to bullycide.  I'm going to take the family and friends word over the police.

I saw a picture of her.  I could only look once and for a short period.  She's far too beautiful, far too young to be gone.  Rest in peace, Isabelle Guyler.

A Sense of Hopelessness

Since I've started down this path of trying raise awareness to the troubles and issues dealing with teen/gay-teen suicide and bullying, I've come across quite a few young people who, for lack of a better term, exuded a sense of sheer hopelessness.  I have a problem with that.

When you're 18, 19, 20 years old and feel hopeless, there's a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.  With some, I'm sure that depression plays a huge role.  As adults, and as parents to these young people, it is imperative that we not only know what depression looks like, but know exactly what to do when we see it.    We can never lose sight of the fact that teen-aged depression is at the root of many of the teen suicides.

Today, on three separate occasions, I heard from young people who sounded thoroughly defeat.  None of them were over the age of 21.  One quote was "what's the point?".  Another defeatist remark was "whatever happens, happens...I've grown tired and careless."  Is it just me, or is there a deep-seeded problem here?

I've said this several times before, and I'm sure I'll say it many more:  it's the adults, THE PARENTS, who need to be educated first and foremost.  In two of the three "cases" I mentioned, I know that the home environment is hostile at best.  One, an 18-year-old, is making plans for just leaving home and trying to make it on his own.  Not necessarily a bad idea, all things considered.  In another case, the youngster is constantly "bullied" by his parents, belittled and even laughed at because he's gay.  When I was in my deepest depression, following the sudden death of my closest friend at the time, the best my mother could offer me was "get over it."  That doesn't work. (and, again, thank God that I'm a resilient person.  Even though it took a couple decades, literally, for me to honestly be at peace with the loss, I did survive)  When there's little-to-no home stability, when there's no support system in the home, when taking it to the streets as a means of rescuing oneself, the issue is clearly that of the adults in their lives or, more specifically, THE PARENTS.

What's at stake, clearly, is the lives of thousands of young lives each year.  With their emotional stability in the balance, it's foolish to think that we can begin to lower the number of teen/gay teen suicides without also addressing the home environment and the parents.  There has been cases where the teen was fully supported and greatly loved by his parents and family, and he still committed suicide.  So, what, then, is the risk factor for the teens who live in hostile or non-supportive (which is equally damaging) home environments, who has parents who range from just not giving a damn to being actually emotionally abusive?  Where does that leave them?  That's an easy answer:  It leaves them with a sense of hopelessness.  And, out of that sense of hopelessness, rarely does anything good come.

Passing of the Baton

On November 28th, the world lost one of its strongest leaders in the campaign against bullying and for gay-teen suicide prevention.  Any teen suicide, for that matter.  Roger Crouch's work affected many people all around the world.  One can't help but think that he was just really getting started.  His loss has reverberated around the globe.

A year earlier, Roger's gay teen son, Dominic, committed suicide.  He was yet another victim of what is now known as bullycide.  Apparently, Dom had taken a dare, kissed a boy, and was severely ridiculed for it.  Roger, and his lovely wife Paola, turned the tragedy, and sheer heartbreak, into positive action.  Roger campaigned vigorously to change the climate of hate, to end the bullying, and to prevent more teens, gay and straight alike, from committing suicide.  And, his work was recognized around the world.

Now, a leader is gone.  The baton has to be passed on.  I believe that there are emerging warriors in the battle who are ready and able to share the baton and continue Roger's work.  I believe firmly that if each person does everything in their power, in whatever capacity they're capable of, to fight this terrible epidemic, change will come.

Today, Roger's grief-stricken wife posted this message on a facebook page dedicated to Dominic.  The question now is "who is ready to take on the call to action?"

"Please do believe in all young people as individuals and support them in whatever way you can. Sometimes, a couple of words is all it needs. The day Domi died, no one spoke to him. It breaks my heart. Teenage suicide through bullying is preventable; remember that! Never forget it. Roger's legacy is a massive push against hatred and bigotry. It is not banter if it is aimed at one, isolated target. Please teach children in your school to have the tools to deal with these situations when they arise. Dom' problem was that apparently bullying did not exist in his school and therefore there was no support system in place. Disgraceful, even after the suicide of another girl nine months before. I will never forgive them because they have not had the decency to hold their hands up and say 'we have a problem here, a bad problem, let's deal with it'. Stonewall offered to go in and support them and they declined the offer.
What breaks my heart further is that Roger was doing such a good job of getting the message across, reaching very influential people. I simply do not have the expertise to carry on. I am hoping against hope that colleagues who knew Roger will understand what he was trying to achieve and will take up the baton. The war is not yet won."

Thank you, Paola.  And, thank you Roger Crouch.