How to Watch Your Brother Die

I started this blog in November in direct response to Jamie Hubley's suicide in October.  Those of you who have been reading it for a while are aware as I mention him frequently.  So, I wanted to take time out to say how honored I am to have a member of his family join in as one of the blogs' followers today.  You know who you are.  Thank you for following.


If you haven't already "liked" Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook, go do it now!  You don't have to be gay to be a part of the most positive, informative page facebook has to offer.  The only prerequisite is that you have a burning desire to see equality for every human being and to be a part of an army of people "enlisted" to work towards that end.

I read today something from Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook that I had to share with everyone.  If you go to the page, you can find it and other very moving reads in the "notes" section.  This letter moved me:

How To Watch Your Brother Die

When the call comes, be calm.
Say to your wife, “My brother is dying. I have to fly to California.”
Try not to be shocked that he already looks like a cadaver.
Say to the young man sitting by your brother’s side, “I’m his brother,”
Try not to be shocked when the young man says,
“I’m his lover. Thanks for coming.”

Listen to the doctor with a steel face on.
Sign the necessary forms.
Tell the doctor you will take care of everything.
Wonder why doctors are so remote.

Watch the lover’s eyes as they stare into your brother’s eyes as they stare into space.
Wonder what they see there.
Remember the time he was jealous and opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick.
Forgive him out loud even if he can’t understand you.
Realize the scar will be all that’s left of him.

Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria say to the lover, “You’re an extremely good-looking young man.”
Hear him say,
“I never thought I was good looking enough to deserve your brother.”
Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say,
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what it means to be the lover of another man.”
Hear him say,
“It’s just like a wife, only the commitment is deeper because the odds against you are so much greater.”
Say nothing, but take his hand like a brother’s.

Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might help him live longer.
Explain what they are to the border guard.
Fill with rage when he informs you,
“You can’t bring those across.”
Begin to grow loud.
Feel the lover’s hand on your arm, restraining you. See in the guard’s eye how much a man can hate another man.
Say to the lover, “How can you stand it?”
Hear him say, “You get used to it.”
Think of one of your children getting used to another man’s hatred.

Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her,
“He hasn’t much time.
I’ll be home soon.” Before you hang up say,
“How could anyone’s commitment be deeper than a husband and wife?” hear her say,
“Please, I don’t want to know all the details.”

When he slips into an irrevocable coma, hold his lover in your arms while he sobs, no longer strong. Wonder how much longer you will be able to be strong.
Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms whose arms are used to holding men.
Offer God anything to bring your brother back.
Know you have nothing God could possibly want.
Curse God, but do not abandon Him.

Stare at the face of the funeral director when he tells you he will not embalm the body for fear of contamination. Let him see in your eyes how much a man can hate another man.
Stand beside a casket covered in flowers, white flowers.
Say, “Thank you for coming” to each of several hundred men who file past in tears, some of them holding hands.
Know that your brother’s life was not what you imagined.
Overhear two mourners say, “I wonder who’ll be next.”

Arrange to take an early flight home.
His lover will drive you to the airport.
When your flight is announced say, awkwardly, “If I can do anything, please let me know.”
Do not flinch when he says,
“Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him after he told you. He did.”
Stop and let it soak in. Say,
“He forgave me, or he knew himself?”
“Both”, the lover will say, not knowing what else to do. Hold him like a brother while he kisses you on the cheek. Think that you haven’t been kissed by a man since your father died. Think,

“This is no moment not to be strong.” Fly first class and drink scotch. Stroke your split eyebrow with a finger and think of your brother alive.
Smile at the memory and think how your children will feel in your arms, warm and friendly and without challenge.


~Michael Lassell.

Before it's too late, while you can still do it, if you know someone who is LGBT, whether it's a family member, friend, or co-worker, let them know that it's okay to be gay.  Let them know that you accept them completely just for who they are.  Let them know that they are beautiful human beings just as they are.  The world is changing.  Be a part of that change.

Suicide Prevention Resources

Since October, I've made suicide prevention my "second career".  I'm as passionate about this as I am about my music.  That says a lot!  Whenever possible, and as often as possible, I like to provide valuable information in case anyone is face-to-face with a life-or-death situation.  As we're seeing over and over, it's can happen to anyone.  And, in some cases, as in Alex Frye, we don't even see it coming.

The deeper involved I become in this, the more I understand what an outstanding and equally passionate network of people trying to make a difference.  It's truly amazing, and it makes me very proud (even humbled) to be a part of such an enormous effort.  It really should've come as no surprise when I spent some time perusing the Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook webpage and came across what is probably the most comprehensive compilation of resources I've come across so far.  I would be doing a disservice if I didn't pass along that link.

Great minds think alike.  I've been saying forever that one of the biggest issues with the troubling teen issues, from the bullying to the suicides to other violent acts carried out by troubled teens, is that we as adults fail them when it comes to listening.  We hear them.  Too often, we aren't listening.  Then, suddenly, it's too late to listen.  We're left with having to react to whatever their actions may be, however devastating they are.  That's nowhere near good enough.  On the WHOF page, the first piece of advise is to "be quiet and listen!"  What a concept.  I'm convinced that if the family and friends of then-15 year old Andy Williams had only listened to what he was screaming to them, the two boys he killed would still be alive and he wouldn't be spending the rest of his life in a California prison.  Google it. (yeah, that story got under my skin because he was a Marylander who was transplanted to California to get him away from the bullying.  It didn't work.)

We can never have enough resources available to us.  As I shared earlier in the week, some of the "resources" that are supposed to be there for you sometimes aren't.  One thing we know for sure:  Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook is always there to provide support and resources.  Kudos, again, to you Kel and Whof!!!

Wiping Out Homophobia on Facebook

You know how the Internet works:  one link leads to another link to another link and, before you know it, you're right there staring at the screen saying "WOW!!!".  That was the case with me back in early fall of last year.  I ended up on a facebook page that was right in the middle of going viral.  If you've never witnessed that, it's an amazing thing to watch.  When I "joined" the community, by simply clicking the "like" button, there were less that 100,000 members.  By the minute, those numbers were increasing by the dozens.  Dozens...as in plural.  I watched in excited awe as this page just literally blew up into one of the true giants on the social network behemoth.  To become a giant on a network that has over 8 HUNDRED MILLION people on it is an accomplishment of enormous proportions.  What could a single page create such a buzz and generate such a massive, and quite active, audience in such a short time?  They're in the "business" of changing lives.

Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook had a main goal, when I joined it, of spotting pages on facebook that promoted hatred and intolerance towards the gay community and getting them eliminated from the social network.  Since then, it's morphed into so much more.  Today, they have gay married couples posting wedding pictures.  Today, they have suicidal gay teens, or their parents, writing in to give their own testimonial of how Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook (WHOF) saved their life.   Oh, and today, they still root out homophobic hatred and intolerance on facebook.

Becoming part of this burgeoning community was an exhilarating experience.  Immediately, it became my de facto homepage on facebook.  I was there at least 10-1 more than I was on my own "home" page.  This was where I was supposed to be.  This was my community.  I'd post comments, read other's stories of happiness and sadness, and share their links and stories to the friends on my own pages. (call it my second coming out!)

In October, WHOF changed my life forever.  I returned from work to read the headline "We Failed Another Gay Teen".  See, that's been my hot-button for most of my adult life:  Gay teen suicide.  So, naturally, when I saw that headline, it grabbed my full attention.    I dug deeper and found Jamie's videos on youtube.  I sat in stunned disbelief as I watched all 12 of them from beginning to end.  I read his tumblr blog.  And, then I got mad.  I'd written songs about gay teen suicide, but no one really paid much attention to them.  That was supposed to be my way of doing my part to help bring awareness to the problem.  If no one is listening, the message isn't going anywhere.  Right then and there, I made the decision to get deeper involved.  That's when this blog was born.  If there were a "family tree" for this blog, WHOF would have to be the root. 

Kevin O'Neill, or Kel, is the creator and founder of WHOF, which also has a website: whof.net.  In his own words, "we [also] have a lot of 'straight' supporters who learn a lot about us."  It's people from all around the world, gay and straight, black and white and red and green, young and old, male and female, coming together to form a loving community of sharing and caring.  And, sometimes, just being.  Kel, and WHOF, changed my life forever.  Now, multiply that by the 277,000+ "members" who are in the community, and you'll get a better picture of the impact this page has had on people around the world. 

There's a massive army formed to combat homophobia, to educate people on how to stop bullying, and most importantly to prevent gay teen suicides.  WHOF, is right there in the trenches leading the way.  We are all much better off with Kel, and his creation, in the world.