His Friends Called Him Corey: Jay'Corey Jones, 17, Death by Suicide

Sunday night, 17-year-old, Jay'Corey Jones, "Corey" to his friends, ended his life in Rochester, MN.  According to his father, he had been bullied for a very long time because of his sexual orientation.  That bullying lead to depression.  And, like many before him, that combination proved to be deadly.

According to the news report, in which Corey's father, JayBocka Strader was very candid and forthcoming about the life of his son, everything that could be done was being done.  His single-parent father was very supportive of his son.  Corey had friends who loved him.  He was even briefly involved with his school's Gay/Straight Alliance.  He was out and proud.  He wanted to make a stand for gay rights.  Unfortunately, that put him in the cross hairs for bullies.  And, once again, rather than seeing all of the positives going on in his life, the negative of being bullied proved too much for him to handle.

Still reeling from the report of a 16-year-old girl who ended her life just a few hours ago right here in Maryland (much too early for any details), I'm left to wonder "what are we not doing enough of!?"  We're very obviously missing a beat somewhere, somehow.  Yes, we know about the problem with bullying and how it needs to be dealt with on a much different level than it is today.  Yes, we have an idea of the mental health issues involved with many of the teen suicides.  Whether they're being properly addressed, however, is a question mark.

Somehow, these teens who give up on their young lives are seeing a world that's so dark, so bleak for them, they see no point in going on.  And, that's an issue that we, as adults, must find a way to figure out so that we can deal with it.

In a case of an LGBT teen, as Corey was, it's really not too hard to see where their vision of a too-bleak world comes from.  The bullying they endure from their peers at school and in cyberspace is only exacerbated by the bullying they see from adults in the news and on the Internet.  Bullying directed specifically at the LGBT community.  They're hearing the message from politicians and so-called religious leaders that their lives are invalid.  That their feelings are moot.  They're seeing and hearing, as hate-filled, intolerant politician after hate-filled, intolerant politician attempt to legislate their own bigotry, that the bullies they deal with in school are only a mirror-image of what they perceive as the real world.  As states like North Carolina legislates hate and discrimination, the message is driven home that they are second-class citizens, that their lives will always be inconsequential, that there are people in power who don't care a bit if they end their life.  They hear that.  They see that.  And, guess what?  So do the ones who do the bullying.  They feel vindicated in their actions because they, too, see and hear that same message.

Make no mistake:  no one should ever allow someone else define who they are.  It doesn't matter if "they" hate you.  That's their burden to carry.  What's important is loving yourself, first and foremost.  However, that is also a very difficult message to get across to an already fragile teen.  Jamie Hubley had an amazing, very loving and supportive family.  He had incredible friends who still adore him.  Yet, he couldn't see past the negatives of life long enough to wrap that warm blanket of support around himself.  Smart money says that that is the issue in many of these tragic events.  That was the issue with Corey Jones.

So, sadly, we say goodbye to yet another young person.  A young person who will never get to know just how good life could've been.  Corey, I wish things could've been different for you.  And, to his friends and family, I wish you love and support during this incredibly trying time.

Setting the Record Straight

After writing a blog post about one of the recent suicide victims, I received an email:

Why did you post a facebook page suggesting [the suicide victim] was gay?  Take is down...his parents don't need that sh*t.

Alarmed, I rushed to reread what I had written.  There was absolutely nothing in that article to suggest that he that he was gay, so I responded accordingly.

There is absolutely nothing in my article to suggest that he was gay. I made it a point to make sure that there was nothing that would even remotely suggest that he was. People make assumptions, and I can't control that. It's unfortunate, and I often warn against that. Yet, they continue to do it. I tried my very best to be as honest and objective is the article as I possibly could, hence the opening paragraph clearly setting aside the earlier rumor of there being bullying

It raises an important issue:  far too often, people see the words "teen" and "suicide", and there's an automatic rush-to-judgment that said teen was a.) gay, and b.) bullied.  Whereas that is an issue, and a very serious one at that, it's obviously not always the case.  Because of that rising issue, the issue of rushing to judgment, I even started that particular article off with the disclaimer that the person had not been bullied.  And, I took special care to make sure that nowhere in the article would I even allude to the notion that he was an LGBT teen.  Still, with all the precautions, some of the comments responded as if he were both LGBT and bullied.  He was a teenager who ended his life far, far too soon, and that's really all we need to know.  At least in this particular case.

I woke up this morning to an email response from the person who had initially emailed me about this.

I don't Facebook, my business is nobody else's business.  Your facebook page is misleading even if unintentional, just look at the comments.  I have a son, 15, just like [the suicide victim], a jock, in fact, playing [the suicide victim's] team tonite (probably will be cancelled).  This Facebook page is hurtful to his parents and should be taken down...you are far, far removed from this event.
I also believe all this glamorizing of the death...tributes, tee shirts, facebook pages, tweets ("look **** you're famous" said one girl) will encourage the next depressed kid to go out in a blaze of glory.

Now,  that's a horse of a different color.  Now, I'm under attack for the integrity of the work I'm attempting to do.  Look, I get the part about glamorization of teen suicides.  I, too, am concerned that perhaps the Internet is helping to propel the acceleration of these events.  And, make no mistake:  we are seeing an acceleration.  To wit, from perusing another facebook page honoring those young people who are gone too soon, I was able to see a disturbing reality:  for every suicide that I write about, there's at least one that I didn't know about.  That's not a brush fire.  That's a firestorm.  That said, and armed with that knowledge, I do my best to stay away from glamorizing a very solemn event.  What's needed is awareness.  And, more of it.  For far too long, these devastating events have gone unreported, and under-reported.  Because of that, this has been going on in relative silence.  And, because of that, no one except for the families and friends of the victims had knowledge of this problem.  This is a cancer to the body of our society.  Early detection saves lives.  Left undetected and untreated, it kills.

The facebook blog page was created in December to support the blog, itself.  In truth, I was having issues with facebook and the posting of the blog's link.  It has grown into a sizable, interactive community of awareness and support.  Its message is clear:  love and acceptance.  People there help one another, talk to each other, support those who need support.  Lives are being saved through the blog and the blog page:

I wanted to contact you to say, simply, thank you.

I was considering suicide tonight, but decided against it, and your blog Enough is Enough was a major reason why I didn't. I am a 19 year old closeted bisexual male. Thank you for everything you are doing for not only the LGBT community, but for humanity as a whole. Your blog brought me to tears.

Again, thank you. I owe you big time.

It's because of this email, and others like it, that I will continue pressing forward.  As for the recent emails complaining about what I do, I offer this:  a look at some of the comments will show you that some of his friends have read the article and left their heartfelt comments.  Follow their lead.

Ryan Nash, 15, Death by Suicide

Let's put this on the table first and foremost:  by all accounts, from people close to the family, Ryan was not bullied.  As has become the norm as soon as word hits the social media "grapevine" of yet another teen suicide, bullying is automatically assumed to be the culprit.  That is simply not always the case.  What matters most at the end of the day is that yet another youth has taken his or her life, that another family has been devastated, that friends who were close to the deceased are left to wonder "why?".

What IS known at this point is that yesterday, May 6th, 15-year-old Ryan Nash ended his young life.  What is known, also, is that he was a freshman baseball player at Carl Sandburg High School in Orland Park, Illinois.  And, sadly, what is known is that Ryan's family, friends, and, indeed, entire community are in a deep state of shock and mourning.  Everything else, at this point, is pure speculation.

What is important to realize, and reinforce, to all teens - whether you think they're struggling or not! - is that there are resources available for them at all times.  There are people for them to talk to.  Let's face it:  being a teenager is tough.  It was tough when I was a teen.  It's even moreso today with the prevalence of the social media medium in our culture.  Today, more than ever, having resourses readily available, and visible!!, for teens can be a difference of life and death.  Literally.

The deeper I delve into this whole issue of teen suicide, the more I learn.  Obviously.  And, one of the common threads has been the deadly silence.  That needs to be addressed.  We need to find a way to get the point across to all teens that if they're struggling with something - bullying, relationship issues, depression, whatever! - they need to talk to someone.  Find an adult to talk to.  If not their parents, maybe the parents of a close and trusted friend.  Maybe an aunt or uncle.  SOMEBODY!!  The biggest key is to let them know that they don't have to suffer in silence.  Silence is deadly.

In the case of Ryan Nash, by all accounts, he was a very popular young man, very well-liked, a baseball player.  His friends have been speaking up, via twitter, since Sunday's tragic event.  They speak of him with nothing but love, respect, and sadness.

Conor 

Still in pain and shock ill miss you friend #RN20 never forgotten we have this eagles!

Nick 

Knowing my best friend, he would be doing the same thing if anyone else were in this position #RN20 

His sister has even chimed in:

niki nash ‏

My brother can see how loved he was #RN20 thank you all so much for all of your support today

The bottom line is that, for all the effort that so many people are putting in, in an effort to stem the tide of teen suicides, we're obviously not doing enough.  That means that, collectively, we all have to work harder, and faster!!, to find a solution.  It can, and must, be done.  The world is losing far, far, far too many young people to suicide.

To the family and friends of Ryan Nash, I send my deepest sympathy and condolences.  Rest in peace, Ryan.

Ryan Alexander Cranford, 17, Morgantown, WVA

Ryan was 10 days away from graduating from Morgantown High School.  Just 10 more days.  According to one of his schoolmates, however, the bullying at that school, from teachers and students alike, is fierce.  And, even as the light at the end of the tunnel was clearly visible, Ryan couldn't see it.  He couldn't take one more day.  Monday, April 30th, he ended his life.

Just 10 more days.

I haven't been able to find any news stories or other verifying information.  The student classmate indicated that he was bullied but didn't give a reason for it.  Here's what she posted on her tumblr blog:

Today is a sad day for me. On this day, April 30, 2012, a sweet soul lost his life.

He was a senior at Morgantown High School. He had just 10 days of his high school career left, JUST 10 days.

I was not close to him or his friend, but I saw him from time to time walking down the hallways all alone. I never took the time to stop and say, “hey!”, or “how is your day?” to him. I would just go on with what I was doing like he wasn’t searching for someone to be kind or someone to just stop and tell him he looked nice today.

I should’ve taken the time to stop what I was doing for two minutes just to ask him how he was doing or if he was having a good day. If I would’ve done that, maybe he would still be here.

I just can’t believe how hard this hit me. WHen it comes to people my own age and it’s someone you saw every single day at school, it becomes really difficult to deal with.

You can’t help but blame yourself for it happening when you know you could’ve been there for him and been a friend to him.

I’ve been asking myself so many questions and wondering if I was ever mean to him or a bully like the others were.

Bullying is a very serious issue at MHS.

The staff and students ALL do it without realizing it. They just don’t have any respect for others or themselves anymore and it’s caused so much chaos. They all need to wake up and see that this is a serious matter and that it has caused a lot of hurt for people.

If this horrible thing does not wake them up and make them see how bad it is, then I don’t know what will.

Today was the first time I’ve seen a lot of our MHS students come together and support something so much.

I hate that it came to this for him. He had so much potential and so many talents that nobody will ever get to see.

We’re all going to miss you Ryan. We will never forget you. YOu will always be in our memory, minds, hearts and souls.

We love you.

I'm convinced that this issue is not being taken nearly as seriously as it warrants.  I'll explain why I'm convinced in the next blog post.  I will say, though, that tonight's experience convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that the concern level isn't anywhere near where it should be for this issue of bullying.  Therein lies the lion's share of the problem.

Ryan, and his family, should be planning for his graduation from high school and his 18th birthday, which is right around the corner.  These are supposed to be some of the happiest days of his and his family's life.  Ryan is supposed to be looking for that summer job in preparation for the excitement of his coming freshman year of college.  What his family wasn't supposed to be doing was burying their 17-year-old son less than 10 days from his high school graduation.

Look, I'm not naive.  I don't think for one second that this is going to go away overnight.  Would I love to see that happen?  Well, certainly.  Rather, it's going to take a continued persistent effort from many people before we'll truly see bullying, and teen suicide, become a thing of the past.  At the same time, every single time I see another teen end their life because of it, I realize that we've still got so, so far to go.  But, as David Long put it, everything starts with one.  Please don't miss out on your chance to make a difference.  There's someone, no matter where you are in the world, who's waiting to hear you tell them that things are going to get better, that they can make it thought the overwhelming turmoil they're facing right now...that there truly are people who care about them and their lives and would do anything in this world to keep them from committing suicide.

Sadly, all of our efforts will be too late for Ryan Cransford, and his family.  May your soul now find the peace it deserves.  Ryan Cranford: June 9, 1994 - April 30, 2012.

Together, WE Can Stop Massachusetts School From Torturing Students

Ok, so, on the facebook blog page, there are over 10,000 members.  And, it's growing daily.  There are almost 600 people subscribed to the blog, itself.  And, there are other outlets with scores of other people reading it.  We need every single one of the people reading this to a.) SIGN the petition; b.) SHARE this blog post.  You'll understand in a minute.

When I checked my inbox today, I had a notification from change.org about a Special Needs school in Massachusetts that basically electrocute its students.

In 2002, a special needs student named Andre McCollins was allegedly strapped down and electrocuted for hours, leaving him with permanent brain damage, all because he refused to take off his jacket. The people torturing Andre were officials at his school. You can watch what happened on video.

The video was shot at a Massachusetts school for special needs kids called the Judge Rotenberg Center (JRC). Gregory Miller used to be a teacher there, and he says electrocuting kids as punishment is extremely common -- even for minor offenses like raising your hand to go to the bathroom.

"A non-verbal, nearly blind girl with cerebral palsy was shocked for attempts to hold a staff member's hand -- her attempts to communicate and to be loved," Gregory says.

Gregory desperately wants to help the kids at the JRC --that's why he started a petition onChange.org demanding that the JRC stop using electroshock to punish kids. Click here to add your name.

Gregory says the JRC's founder created electroshock devices which are even stronger than police stun guns to punish students for bad behavior. An official at the United Nations said that using these devices on children is considered torture.

According to the Boston Globe, the JRC’s founder resigned after being charged with misleading a grand jury by destroying video footage of other students being shocked.

Gregory believes that if thousands of people sign his petition, his former bosses will capitulate in the intense pressure generated by a national spotlight.

Click here to sign Gregory's petition demanding that the JRC immediately cease its practice of punishing special needs kids with electroshock devices.

Thanks for being a change-maker,

I.  Was.  Livid.  Reading that was bad enough.  Watching this video, which school officials tried desperately to keep "sealed", revealed an unfathomable level of brutality.  Staff on student.  Bullying to the inth degree.  Andre McCollin restrained, faced down, and electroshocked 31 times during the course of the day.  This is a whole different level of bullying, actually.  It's called torture.  It's called criminal abuse.  And, every pair of eyes who reads this can play a part in bringing it to a screeching halt.  For the students, the special needs students!, being brutally abused by this staff, it can't end fast enough.  Imagine your son or daughter, your neighbor's kid, or even a total stranger!, being subjected to being restrained and being zapped by electroshock devices that are stronger than police stun guns...for hours!!  Is you blood boiling, yet?  Good.  Sign the petition.  Share this blog post.  Encourage OTHERS to share it.

This taking ending bullying to a whole different level.  We have the power, in numbers, to make this change.  I've already signed.  Your turn.

"How I Feel": 11-Year-Old Girl Talks about Being Bullied

A member of the facebook blog page sent me a message that she'd gotten through yet another friend.  I'm so glad she did.  The story I read was heart wrenching.  It was heart wrenching because, with this, one can see that it doesn't get any clearer that there's a major injustice being afforded young people all around this country, and around the world.

How I feel: I want to leave the underworld that I’m in. I get hurt, cussed at and flipped off every day. Where ever I go at (school name) I feel like I get killed and go to the underworld. Whenever I see and /or hear the place, I get afraid. I don’t want to lie, I don’t feel safe, and I don’t want to get hurt. All I need is an apology from the whole 5th grade classes. I need to feel safe. The teachers aren’t listening at all. I even get threatened at (school name). It’s named after a solder, but nobody is that in my class. I feel that I am better in jail than (school name). I don’t need education, I need safety. I don’t need to lie about the cussers, I tell the truth. I think their motto isn’t true. I think it’s a lie. I’m scared!!! I’m better in an underworld than in (school name). I just want to be on earth, not the “H word” (hell)”.

This girl is just 11-years-old.  At that tender age, she's already having to go through now only the bullying that we're seeing far too much of today, but yet again an administrative staff that does nothing to intervene or prevent it.  And, because of their lack of responsibility in this case, her musician, single-parent dad has to embark upon a crusade to draw attention to the situation.  It shouldn't have to be that way.  Luckily for her, she has a father who is committed to making sure his daughter's well-being is a priority in her school.

[I'm going to leave her anonymous for now.  Her father will make comments to the blog if and as he sees fit.]

As part of his mission, he had his daughter write, in her own words, exactly how being constantly bullied made her feel.  On the up side, hearing a first-hand, first-person recant of what it's like to have to endure constant bullying it extraordinarily powerful.  The down side, of course, is that she and her dad have to go to this length in the first place.

The part that really got under my skin, however, was the girl saying that her "...teachers aren't listening at all."  How can that be?  How can it be possible that, in today's world, with bullying and teen suicides being in headlines around the world and almost daily, the school administrators can even think of taking the easy way out and not pay attention to a student who's reaching out for help?  Worse, there are those who simply say they don't believe the bullying is taking place!  Once again, I have to say that there needs to be accountability.  What my hope is, of course, is that the father will provide the necessary information, i.e. school name, name of administrators, etc., so that a massive email and phone call campaign can descend upon that school.

Things are only going to continue to change as long as people like this courageous and devoted dad continue to stand up and speak out again the environment of hatred and intolerance that we're witnessing today.  Keeping bullying, and all of the tragic aftermath that comes with it, on the back burner and out of the headlines is a travesty.

Kudos to you, dad, for stepping up and forcing this issue to be looked at on your daughter's behalf.  Whether you know it or not, your efforts will have a ripple effect on countless other students who are also dealing with being bullied.

"This Has to Stop Now": Rachel Ehmke, 13, Bullying Suicide

She was a beautiful girl.  She was ambitious, "big dreams, big goals", says her father.  She was bullied, according to her family, for over a year.  And, now she's gone.

Rachel Ehmke wore a brave face.  Whenever asked about the bullying situation, she'd always say she was "fine".  She didn't want them to worry about her.  However, behind the mask of bravery was a young girl who was being torn apart by the bullying:  "Fine = I wish you knew how I really felt".  No one did.  Her family knew she was being bullied, and they did what needed to be done in response to it.  They didn't know what was going on inside of her.  She held it in.  Letting it out, and letting her amazing family know how she was really feeling would've most likely saved her life.

Older sister, Brittany, bravely spoke to a local group of concerned citizens, Community Against Bullying, about her sister.  Through her pain and tears, she painted a very powerful, poignant picture of the events that took her younger sister away from her.    Armed with the knowledge that the known bullies and their families are now being contacted and demeaned, she emphatically stated:

“We don’t want that,” Brittany said. “My sister wouldn’t want that. I know that she would not want this to keep going.”

 In the end, though, she conveyed a message of grace and love.

“We just want anybody who is bullying, just to stop,” Brittany said. “I don’t care if it’s in Kasson or it’s here. I don’t really care where it is, because this is the worst thing you can ever go through, that you can suffer through, because people were hurting, were so mean to her and she felt there was nothing else to do.”  

In fact, that's the message from the entire family.  The father, Rick, echoed the same sentiment:

"Even the bullies obviously need some help," he said. "They need to be aware that they have the right to that same help." 

So, once again, and far too often, another young life has been lost to the rising scourge of bullying.  To continue to minimize what is obvious, that bullying and teen suicides have become an epidemic of epic proportion, is to assure that we'll keep seeing these occurrences on a near-daily basis.  And, that's unacceptable.

Someone pointed out that "writing about it and making 'It Gets Better' videos isn't enough.  I agree.  All of the efforts to stop bullying, from blogging to social media groups and pages to the It Gets Better campaign, are heartfelt and sincere.  And, to be sure, all of the efforts are having an impact.  I can state that factually based on emails I receive.  At the same time, more does need to be done.

• The dialogue is now a dinner-table topic.  It's in the news daily.  And, rightfully so.  More talk is needed.  More voices are needed.  
• Once again, in Rachel's case, it is said that the response time from the school officials lagged.  That's unacceptable.  That speaks to minimization.  That speaks to accountability.  What do you think would happen if every parent of every student in every school across the country delivered the message, together as one voice, "nothing is more important than the life of my child and, while they're there in your care, you are wholly responsible for their safety and welfare"?  
• Closer attention needs to be given to the emotional welfare of these young people.  Of course, the perfect vision of hindsight often reveals tell-tale signs of pending disaster, but that's after the fact.  And, "after the fact" is too often too late.
• Encourage young people to talk to an adult if they are being bullied!!!  Please.  
• And, always, always, always have resources readily available in the event you need them.  Communication is definitely essential:

Suicide Resources

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Befrienders

This video tribute does better than I ever could in saying how much Rachel meant to those close to her.  To the family and friends of Rachel, we wish you continued strength, courage, and love in the trying days, months, and indeed years that lie ahead.