Kenneth James Weishuhn, 14: Death by Suicide in Iowa

Last night, Saturday, April 14th, 14-year-old Kenneth James Weishuhn, of Primghar, Iowa, succumbed to the bullying he'd been receiving since coming out as an LGBT teen back in a couple short months ago.  In looking at the few pictures of Kenneth I've been able to see online, he was a very happy young man.  Handsome and full of life.  In talking to some of his friends and family tonight, they confirmed just that.  More than that, though, they expressed how much he was loved by them.

Unfortunately, coming out of the closet cost him his young life.  The bullying was relentless and severe to the point where he couldn't take it any longer.  No one, and I mean no one should have to sacrifice their life simply because of who they are.  Yet, we're seeing it happen over and over and over again.  The question that's begging to be answered is "how many more teen suicides do we have to endure before everybody realizes that we have an enormous problem on our hands?"  How many more parents have to endure the pain of having to bury their teenaged child because he or she were bullied to break point before the politicians, school administrators, religious leaders become proactive and stop treating this as a mere annoyance?  The people I talked to tonight are in real pain.   Some were crying real tears.  This is a very real problem, one that needs a very real solution.  And, the attention given to it needs to be immediate.

It's not enough to say "the ones who bullied him to a point where he took his life will have to live with that for the rest of their lives."  That's true.  However, there's two problems with that:  1.) if they were cold-hearted enough to do this in the first place, chances are they're not going to lose much sleep over the fact that their actions caused someone to end their life; and, 2.) the families and friends of the victim also has to live with the bully's actions for rest of their lives.  And, that's unacceptable.

Two of Kenneth's friends, Kristi and Brandi, made a youtube video in tribute to their gone-too-soon friend.  It moved me to tears.  He truly seemed to be a very happy teen, and the love he had surrounding him was apparent.  Unfortunately, however, it wasn't enough to overcome the brutal bullying he had to endure.

We can no longer afford to wait for our "leaders" to come to a solution with this issue.  Too many lives are being lost.  I've written about 3 in the past 9 days!  And, believe this:  for the three I've written about, there are at least three more somewhere around the world that I don't know about.  Yet, our leaders are treating a 5-alarm blaze like a brush fire.  It's time...it's past time!!!...for every concerned citizen, young or old, black or white, gay or straight, Christian or atheist to do their part in bringing this sad chapter to an abrupt end. 

• Let the politicians know that it's not okay that they are putting their political/religious views before these young people's lives;
• Let the hateful "religious leaders" know that it is not acceptable that they spew utter hatred in towards members of the LGBT community God's name.  Hate speech is NOT freedom of speech;
• Let the school administrators know that it's not acceptable that the bullying epidemic runs rampant in today's school, that they are required to protect every single student in their charge, all-inclusive;
• Let the young people in your lives, directly or indirectly, know that it's okay to let someone know when they're being bullied.  In fact, it's expected of them.  If one person doesn't listen, go to another.  Repeat that process until they find someone who will listen and take action.

It's going to take every single one of us, the everyday Joe, the concerned citizen, to bring about the changes that will rid our society once and for all of the bullying and teen suicides.  Sadly, all of our efforts won't bring back Kenneth James Weishuhn.  We lost him last night because someone felt it was okay to bully him until he broke.  It wasn't okay.

There's a facebook page in Kenneth's memory.  Take the time out to express your condolences and thoughts.  Also, I've been told that there is a fund set up to help his family bury him.  As soon as I have a link for that, I will pass it along. 

I can't express enough to the family and friends of Kenneth how sorry I am for your loss.  I can only say that my heart goes out to you.  To you, Kenneth James Weishuhn, rest in peace.  They can't hurt you now.

They Wore Blue: Grace McComas, 15-years-old, Death by Suicide

Last week, while we here in Maryland, and around the world, were mourning the suicide of Kenny Wolf, there was yet another event here.  Fifteen-year-old Grace McComas, of Glenelg High School, ended her young life because of cyberbullying two days following Kenny.  Both were laid to rest within moments of each other Saturday, April 14th.

Specific details of the cyberbullying were not reported by The Baltimore Sun because of an ongoing police investigation.

What is apparent was that blue was Grace's favorite color.  Her friends started a cyber campaign, #blue4grace, which quickly went viral and attracted the attention of such notables as Lauren Alaina, the 2011 "American Idol" runner-up and Baltimore Ravens' running back, Ray Rice.  Mourners were asked to wear blue for the visitation, but it didn't stop there.  People as far away as Ireland and the Czech Republican were participating in the event.  The message is getting out:  this has to end.  And, to be sure, there ARE many people doing a lot of great things in an effort to end the bullying that's claiming far too many teens' lives.  One teen suicide because of bullying is one too many.  I've had 2 here in my own backyard within the past 10 days.  Enough.

Footballer Ray Rice has become proactive in the campaign against bullying.  He's hosting an anti-bullying event in Howard County, where Grace was from.  I'm in the process of getting more information about that right now.  I've messaged Ray via his personally-run facebook page.  And, as the information becomes available to me, it will be passed along via the blog and on the facebook blog page.

It's been said in conversations I've had with some people that today's young people should have thicker skin and just understand that bullying is a part of growing up.  When I hear that, I seeth as I listen to their opinion.  But, listen, I do.  See, on the one hand, I do understand where they think they're coming from with this logic.  Bullying has been around for as long as I can remember and, I'm sure, well before that.  My own dealings with the bullying and violence is well-documented here.  And, speaking from a personal standpoint, suicide wasn't even a word in my vocabulary when I was a teen.  I coped.  I moved on.  But, as I've been figuring out over the past 10 years or so, I didn't really "cope".  The subconscious scars were very slow to heal.  And, that's because I didn't even realize they were there until, well, 10 years ago or so.  So, that said, it isn't just a matter of today's young people "getting over it".  It just needs to end.  Period.  Parry Aftab, an Internet privacy and security lawyer who advises Facebook and MTV on online safety, had this to say about it:

"I don't want the kids to be more resilient". "I want the kids who are doing it to stop. I want friends of the kids being bullied to stand up and say, 'I am with you.' The popular kids, the smart kids, the big kids need to stand up and say, 'Stop.'"

That's the correct answer.  Damned needing tougher skin!!  They shouldn't have to be dealing with it at all.

And, of course, there have been naysayers who believe this is all much ado about nothing.  To them, I say "think again".  This is a real-life, real-time problem, and it's costing lives.

In the most recent report, released March 31, the Maryland State Department of Education cited nearly 4,700 incidents of bullying, harassment and intimidation in the 2010-2011 school year, up from about 3,800 in 2009-2010 and 2,100 in 2008-2009.(The Baltimore Sun)

What that statistic clearly shows that bullying has increased in each of the past three school years in Maryland, alone!  Understanding that that's only from the cases that are reported really puts it all in perspective.  We're in the midst of a crisis that's causing teens to end their own lives.  And, even in the cases where they aren't committing suicide, sometimes the psychological scars they're left with can last a lifetime.

A lot is being done, now, and by many people, to address the issue.  However, a lot more needs to be done, and by many more people.  And, we start by a.) re-educating the adults; and, b.) making sure our lawmakers and school officials understand that this issue needs to be taken with the same gravity of, say, an outbreak of a deadly viral infection that's hitting teens around the country and around the world.  How quickly would "they" find a cure if that were the issue instead of bullying?  That same intensity needs to be focused on the issue with bullying.

To the family and friends of Grace McComas, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.  My heart and condolences go out to you.  And, to you, Grace, the world will now never know what gifts you had to offer.  Rest in peace.

Time Traveling

I was presented recently with a very interesting question:  "If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be?"  Damn.  That's deep.  So, I've spent the better part of several days pondering this question.  Here's what I came up with.  Bear with me, here.

Third grade, I had a crush on everyone in my class, boys and girls alike.  I had my first boyfriend when I was in the 5th grade: 10-years-old.  That lasted the entire school year.  At age 12, I was viciously beaten for daring to sneak a kiss from a boy I had a crush on.  And, it was downhill from there.  

Perhaps as a result of the beating I endured, I didn't dare chase after anyone when I returned to school.  That was my 7th grade.  Same held true for the 8th grade.  Ninth grade, well, that was a different story.  Going into 9th grade, I met a new neighborhood boy who was cute and rather fun to be around.  In retrospect, he was what we call today "flamboyant", although I didn't really consciously pick up on it at the time. (although I'd bet that, on a subconscious level, it was exactly what drew me to him: the unspoken knowledge that he was also gay.)  And, he was aggressive.  We had quite an enjoyable time together that lasted until his family moved clear to the other side of town. 

Then, I met the guy who, to this very day, I consider THE love of my life.  He was one year and one day younger than myself.  We were compatible in every way imaginable.  Except sexually.  But, I'll come back to that.  We were literally inseparable for almost 2 years.  We'd have sleepovers every day.  His place or mine...it didn't matter.  What mattered was being together.  Only during the school day would we be separated.  When his family moved across town, it didn't deter me.  I'd find a way to see and spend time with him.  I've never loved on that level before or since.  Why weren't we sexually compatible?  Truthfully, I don't know that we weren't. 

The truth of the matter is that the beating I absorbed for daring to love that other boy, when I was 12, got in the way of my showing my Mr. Right my true feelings.  I mean, he knew I loved him, for sure.  And, I had know doubt that he loved me equally.  He even let me know, on several occasions, that the physical attraction was mutual.  He never verbalized it, mind you.  It was more the look in his eyes, the smile on his face.  More than anything, it was the...well...let's just say it was his own physical, and quite noticeable, arousal that told me more loudly and more clearly than any words could've.  And, it wasn't once.  It wasn't even twice.  This happened quite a few times.  Eventually, I guess he lost patience, or figured that I wasn't interested in him "in that way".  By the time we were 18 and 17, we'd drifted completely away from each other.  I've never loved as intensely or completely since.

If I could give my younger self a piece of advice, what would it be?  Easy.  I'd tell that badly battered 12-year-old boy to:

"...never, ever be afraid to love because of who you are.  Never, ever be afraid to show your love.  Don't let what just happened to you control the rest of your life.  Yes, what happened to you was traumatic.  And, no, you didn't deserve what happened.  However, if you don't get back on your feet as fast as possible and continue to be who you are and love who you love, then that boy and his group of bullies will have totally won.  They will control the rest of your life even though you'll probably never, ever see them again.  For as wrong as it was, what happened, happened.  It's over.  You heal, you grow, and you win by getting back on your feet as fast as possible and continuing to be that same 'you' you were before the attack.  Being bullied, even as brutally as you were, isn't the end of the world.  Now, it's up to you to pick yourself up, move on with your life, and continue to grow into that awesome person you already know is there inside of you.  Anything short of that, and you've completely allowed the bullies to win.  And, in the grand scheme of things, that would be much worse that what they did to you physically."

If only.  Since I can't time travel, I pass my knowledge on to today's struggling youth.  Who knows?  Maybe it can help somewhere along the way.  Knowing what I know now, it's the emotional scars of being bullied that last the longest, that potentially cause the most damage.  And, knowing what I know now, keeping your head held high and moving forward with your life is a great way of starting the process of healing those emotional scars.  Bullies win only if you let them.

More Than Just a Facebook Page

I mention Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook many times in my writings.  That's for good reason.  No, I'm not a paid "pitch man" for them.  I'm simply overwhelmed, like nearly 400,000 other people!, with the amazing job they have done and continue to do.  Just another facebook page?  Forget about it.  I have no idea what the official count of "group" pages on facebook is today, but I'd bet it's well into the millions.  However, smart money would bet that not one of these pages has anything close to the powerful, positive effect on people's lives that Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook continues to have daily.  One man's opinion.  They have easily become the "go to" page on facebook.  Indeed, its members includes gays and straights; christians and non-believers; suicide survivors and families and friends of those we weren't able to keep.  It's not "just another facebook page":  Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook is a real, true-blue, loving and caring and sharing community.

Sometime within the next 24 hours, they will get their 400,000th member!  That's phenomenal, especially considering when I became a member back in the fall of 2011, the membership count was in the 35 thousands.  Do the math.  That's astronomical growth.  And, it can be said with 100% certainty that the growth they continue to experience has everything to do with how they affect people's lives.  The word is out.

If the roots are traced back far enough, you'd know that this very blog is an indirect product of Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook.  I became a member in the early fall of 2011.  Shortly thereafter, they posted "We failed another gay teen".  I followed that link to read the story of the Jamie Hubley event.  The Jamie Hubley tragedy pushed me off the fence and made me want to get more involved.  I started this blog, a blog that, according to one of the members of the facebook blog page, is displayed daily at his college.  This community is massive, it's growing daily by leaps and bounds, and it's being led by Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook.

There's no better testament to the job their doing than to take a look at the hundreds upon hundreds of letters they receive from their members.  Because of the efforts of one page, actually one person with a very broad vision and a mountain of determination, suicidal people have stepped away from the proverbial edge:

They have gained to courage to come out of the closet and live healthy, normal lives:

And, they've created an environment for people, young and old, LGBT and straight, of all races to come and just celebrate life, cheer each other on, or just absorb information:

 

There's truly something there for everyone!  They're saving lives, celebrating lives, nurturing those who need support and courage, and educating those who need more information.  Isn't that what a true community is supposed to be about?

Asperger's and Being Bullied

There was a very sobering video posted today on the facebook blog page, courtesy of Stop Teenage Suicide and Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook.  Sobering because it was a mother telling how her 5-year-old son had been bullied to the point where he wanted to die.  Five years old!!!  There can't be a more resounding wake-up call than that.

The story of 5-year-old Aden is both heartbreaking and familiar.  Heartbreaking, for obvious reasons.  When you have anyone feeling so much emotional pain because of the actions of a few people who carelessly abuse them because they are "different", that's a problem.  When you have a 5-year-old saying he wants to die because of the treatment he's getting, that's a 5-alarm blaze.

I could connect with this because Marty, my 23-year-old surrogate son, deals with the same issue.  Like Aden, Marty is not your average Joe.  He's uniquely Marty.  And, that's okay.  He's highly intelligent, as I'm sure Aden is.  He yearns to be accepted by his peers, like Aden; yet, because he's perceived as different, it's a constant challenge for him to gain acceptance .  As a result, he struggles with social anxiety.  Like Aden, all he yearns for is to be accepted, by his peers, by anybody...simply for being Marty.  That's not asking too much.  Isn't that what we all want?  Sure it is.  And, sadly, like Aden, Marty has voiced on occasions that "I don't belong in this world".  I've worked hard for 3 1/2 years to show him that he's wrong. 

Like Marty, Aden will grow into the understanding that there IS a place in this world for him.  He's got an incredible mother who, right now while he's still very young, is Aden's "voice".  On that, alone, he's got a leg up on Marty.  But, that's a whole different story.  Like Marty, Aden will grow into the understanding that Asperger's is simply something he has to deal with in his life, but it's not who he is.  In the 3 1/2 years he's been with me, Marty has done nothing but grow.  It's amazing what positive reinforcements can do for a person.  It's sad, though, that he had to wait until he was an adult before he had someone who would take the time to give him that daily positive reinforcement.  And, that gives Aden a major leg up!!!  His mother, in speaking out with this video, should win "Mother of the Year" accolades!!  Asperger's isn't a death sentence.  It's just extra luggage to carry as you embark on your journey through life. 

Here's the real problem.  How is it that five-year-old kids can be so intolerant and mean as to make one of their peers want to end his life!?  That's a REAL problem!!  And, there's no way you can blame a 5-year-old for that behavior.  I've said it a thousand times but, obviously, it needs to be said tens of thousands more times:  the issue of bullying isn't just about the young people, IT'S THE ADULTS WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON!!  The young people are learning this level of meanness and intolerance from people much older than themselves.  Take that to the bank.  And, perhaps, it isn't the parents, directly.  Maybe it's the older siblings.  However, the link still goes back to the parents.  Adults are the root to this whole bullying problem, like it or not.  The issue with Aden makes that woefully clear.

I challenge every single adult and, especially, parent to monitor themselves.  Do it for a week.  How are the young people in your life seeing you deal with other people, people you perceive as different?  How are they hearing you talk about a different ethnic group than your own, about members of the LGBT community, about someone with a disability?  How they see and hear YOU deal with people you perceive as "different" is how they are taught to deal with them.  Plain and simple.  And, as is made obvious by this video and 5-year-old Aden, they learn young. 

Spread love.

Embrace diversity.

Teach acceptance.

It's the only way we're going to change this culture of hatred and intolerance.  As Aden's mother stated poetically in the video:  "Love...cures.  Hate...kills.  Be nice to others.  It starts with you."  It's really just that simple.

More on Kenny Wolf

Every teen suicide is hard to take.  Each time I write about another one, it takes another piece of my own soul.  And, there are some that I take very, very hard.  Jamie Hubley, for example, hit me like the ton of bricks.  To be sure, it was his suicide in October that led me to embark upon this campaign to make a change.  Kenny Wolf's recent suicide hit me as hard, if not harder.  He was right here in my back yard, right there from my old neighborhood.  I know it's counterproductive to blame myself at all, but I can't help but wonder...with me doing this right here in Maryland, why wasn't this blog or the facebook blog page reaching him?  And, if it was, what could I have done differently with it to prevent this from happening?

Second-guessing aside, I have some vital updates about Kenny.  Firstly, all reports of age were wrong:  Kenny wasn't 17, as originally reported, nor even 16 as it was later reported.  Kenny was just 14 years old.  Secondly, his event wasn't Thursday, the 5th.  It happened Friday, the 6th.  Thirdly, I have a link for those who would like to leave their personal condolences for the family and friends.  It goes without saying that this is an extraordinarily tough period for Kenny's family and friends.  Indeed, for the entire community.  Letting them know that there are those of us around the world who are mourning Kenny right along with them will, I'm sure, help with their healing process.

Lastly, I can't stress enough that if you or someone you know is struggling with depression, or any mental issues, bullying, and/or suicidal ideations, please, please, please reach out!!  There are many people, professional and non-professional alike, ready to reach back.

Suicide Support

STOP Teenage Suicide

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Befrienders

With this tragic event being right here in my backyard, I'm redoubling my efforts to reach out and bring this epidemic to an abrupt end.  Sadly, of course, it's not going to bring Kenny back.  Or, any of the other teens who ended their lives far too soon.  But, it will, hopefully, prevent another family from having to go through what Kenny's is going through right now.  That's my promise.

Reaching Out: Let John Tillman Know He's Not Alone

This video was posted on the wall in Brett's community.  He sent me a message asking if I'd watched it yet, that it was really sad.  I assured him that my "really sad" cup was on overflow for the moment, that I would check it out "tomorrow".  Then, of course, I thought better and watched it right then.  He was right.  It's sad.  It's heartbreaking.  It's maddening.

John Tillman is an openly gay 17-year-old.  The video, done in "written message" style a la Jonah Mowry from December, tells of his being constantly bullied and recently jumped all because of his sexual orientation.  He's scared.  He's confused.  It's sad that he's having to go through this type of torture just because of who he is.

It's really heartbreaking that LGBT teens today still have to endure such excruciating pain at the hands of their unaccepting, intolerant peers.  It's more than heartbreaking:  it's alarming that so many LGBT teens are routinely pushed to the brink, to a point where they feel the only way out is to harm themselves.  And, it's heartbreaking because all these young people want is the same opportunity as their straight peers to just be happy teens, to just be able to be themselves without having to worry about being constantly attacked, verbally, emotionally, and, in cases like John's physically.  Straight or LGBT, the teen years can be tumultuous enough without the presentiment of being attacked simply because you exist.

What is maddening about this is that a John Tillman even has to make a videoed cry-for-help at all!  Why aren't there more people speaking up and demanding that school officials and administrations take this issue far more seriously and protect all of their students rather than just the ones they choose to protect.  Why aren't there more voices screaming at the top of their lungs to the politicians who hate that their politics do not hold more importance than these young people's lives!? 

Look, this isn't rocket science.  These young people who do the bullying are learning the hatred and intolerance from bigoted, mean-spirited politicians, religious leaders, school officials, and sometimes even parents.  They are learning from their cue that treating people who aren't just like them, who don't think like them or act the way they think they should be acting with hostility is acceptable and even expected behavior.  They are taking their hatred and bigotry with them to school and passing their lessons learned onto anyone who is perceived to be different, especially LGBT teens.  Conversely, there are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of LGBT teens who hear these words of hatred spewed from their mouths and, each time they hear it, they're pushed closer to the brink.  Their self-esteem gets shattered by their words.  Their sense of self-worth takes another beating each time they hear, or read about, one of these people consumed with fear and intolerance spewing their hate-filled rhetoric.

The only way videos like John Tillman's will stop having the need to be made is for more and more people to start speaking up and letting the world know that this is no longer acceptable behavior.  It's not acceptable that so many teens, LGBT and straight, are pressed to a point where they feel that ending their lives is the only way out.  It's not going to change or end by itself. 

Make sure John Tillman knows that he is not alone and that he is loved.  He really needs the reassurance.