Bullying of a Different Color

I just read an article about racism within the gay community that opened the box of a lot of ugly memories.

I remember my twink days well.  At one point, I was having a fling with another, fellow twink who was white.  It was, well...we were young.  Then, he met this other guy who was slightly older than myself.  And, also white.  They immediately hit it off and started to "fling", themselves.  Then came the cruising of the clubs.  Then came the phone conversation:  "Well, David and I were talking, and we both decided that we're too good to waste ourselves on a black guy."  Needless to say, I'll never forget that phone call.  Or, the deep hurt I felt from being told I wasn't good enough because of my skin tone.

I remember, also from my twink days, and after being blown off by my former partner because I was black and, in his own words, unworthy, going to a gay club downtown.  It was a very popular club at the time and was packed to the gills.  Shortly after arriving, I saw him:  my Mr. Right!  Six-feet, lean, blond and blue.  With a smile that wouldn't quit.  My first thought was "I'm taking him home tonight".  I made strong eye contact with him while he was, um, working, and we exchanged pleasantries.  "Win!!!", I thought.  I thought wrong.  At the end of the day, he went home with a man roughly twice my age, at least a half-foot shorter but easily 75-100 lbs heavier. (close your eyes and envision THAT!)  Oh, did I say that he was also white?  So, once again, the reinforcement was there:  I'm inferior because of my skin-tone.

Fast forward to San Francisco, 1986.  I'm no longer a twink, but I'm still young, and still a lean, very handsome (so I was told), athletic man.  Black man.  I had a lot of acquaintances in the Polk Gulch area with whom I socialized with regularly.  One night, five of us had been out just enjoying the evening:  couple of beers, lots of laughs, fun stuff.  One suggested that we go back to his place and have an orgy.  I couldn't believe my ears!!!!  Everyone was in agreement.  So, off we merrily go.  His apartment was only a few blocks away, on Sutter.  Upon entering his apartment, he turned to me and said "Sorry, you're not invited.  This is for white guys, only."  He may as well have pulled out a .45 and shot me in between the eyes.  I cannot even explain how hurt I was, or how low I felt upon hearing that, once again, my skin-tone had rendered me unworthy.(I will say, though, that one of the guys strongly objected to the host's exhibition of racist ignorance, told the host so, and we had our own fun for the evening.  Still, the damage had been done.)

In this article, they speak of racism within the gay community as if it's a new trend.  As you have just read, it's nowhere near a new thing.  It's a large reason why I disengaged myself from "the gay community" long ago.  Those three instances alone proved to me, beyond a doubt, that I didn't have a place within the community.  Well, I guess I did as long as I kept myself segregated.  To my disadvantage, in this case, I just happened to be born "color-blind".  Even in today's world, it still exists.  Maybe, because of the far-reaching instantaneousness of the Internet, even to a greater extent.  I've checked out several of the online dating sites and, lo and behold, the ones I've found attractive have profiles that clearly states that I'm not in their realm of attraction.  Even with those who list their wider diversity, "black" is not one of their suitable preferences.

I found it quite telling, this segment taken from the article:

"After having a few drinks with my friend, I walk home through the garment district in midtown Manhattan. I see a gay male couple walking hand in hand down the street... Their relaxed and happy faces turn frightened when they see me, and they immediately cease holding hands and separate. On this late night in an unfamiliar area of the city, I am not seen as a member of the LGBT community. I am black. I am male. I am a threat."

That's a snapshot of the real world.

So, what does this have to do with the anti-bullying, stop-teen-suicide campaign that I've immersed myself in?  Do you think that all gay teens are white?  Well, the obvious answer is "of course not".  Like the symbol of our pride, they are every color of the rainbow, so to speak.  So, what happens when young, black Tony falls in love with white Michael only to have Michael tell him "I'm too good to waste myself on a black guy"?  Will that be the straw to break the proverbial camel's back?  Wouldn't those words be a form of bullying?  If your answer is yes to either, the battle is even tougher than first realized.  But, to further complicate matters, how exactly does one address this issue?  Do we teach the black and minority LGBT teens that they've got yet another battle they'll have to fight, and this foe will come from within the ranks of the LGBT community?  Well, that will go over well.  Do we tell they the black and minority LGBT teen that (s)he may as well forget about finding a partner outside of their race because, in the LGBT community, white is king?  What exactly is the answer?  We're begging, no demanding!!!, that the world start treating us, the LGBT community, as equals.  As well it should!  Yet, we don't even treat our own as equals. 

The last piece of the article was, I think, my favorite.  It speaks volumes.

"We all have 'preferences' and that's certainly our right," he says. "But we don't have a right to make people feel inferior because they look different from us— any more than straight people have a right to make us feel inferior because of who we choose to love. Not in this day and age. Not after all we've gone through. Not anymore."

 We have a lot of work to do.

Drew Ferraro's Family Fights Back Against Bullying

With the grief still raw from his suicide, the family of Drew Ferraro has decided to join the fight to end bullying.  At a memorial service held for their gone-too-soon son, they handed out business cards with Drew's image on one side, and the numbers for suicide prevention as well as the email address for a couple of websites to stop bullying.  None of this will help bring back Drew, of course, but their aim is to do everything they can to assure that no family ever has to go through the devastation that they're experiencing.

This is what it's going to take.  It's going to take more families getting involved and demanding change.  No child, ever, should be bullied...period.  As an extension, however, no child certainly should ever have to feel like the only way to get away from the bullying is to end his or her life.  That's why I write these articles.  That's why so many people are getting involved with such a critically essential struggle:  this has to end now!

We are already painfully aware that the officials, be it school officials, law enforcement, or even some politicians, are more than willing to turn a blind eye to the problem.  Indeed, the statement from the La Cresenta law enforcement was that "their investigation" showed no evidence of bullying.  In fact, he defiantly added "I know there has been a lot of speculation about bullying -- it had nothing to do with that."  Apparently, their investigation was in the wrong places.  It was reported here from the beginning that Drew Ferraro ended his life because of bullying.  Now certainly isn't the time or place for "I told you so", and that's not my intent; however, if friends and family say that it was caused by bullying, it just doesn't matter what the school officials or law enforcers say.  They're simply trying to cover their own asses.  Those closest to the victims, those left to pick up the pieces, will certainly know better than the "officials" what happened to their loved one.

It's up to us, the concerned citizens of the world community, to make the changes that are necessary to bring this woeful chapter to an abrupt end.  A lot is being done.  And, progress is being made.  Just not fast enough.  Certainly not fast enough to save Drew Ferraro's life or any other of the dozens of teens who have taken their own lives because of bullying just this year alone.  Dozens!!  Today is only the 49th day of the year!!!  Can you see the urgency?

These are links and numbers everyone should have handy at all times:
WHOF's Suicide Support page
STOP Teenage Suicide
Stop Bullying website
1-800-273-TALK(8255)

No child, gay or straight, black or white, fat, skinny, Martian, or otherwise should ever, EVER, be put in a position where they feel that ending their life is the only hope they have for the bullying to end.  At the end of the program handed out by Drew's family at his memorial get-together were the words "Zero Tolerance against Bullying".  Where have you read that before?

Payton Ruth Anne Richardson Was Only 12-Year-Old

What's really heartbreaking is that, during a time when there is such a strong, positive movement going on worldwide, we're still having young people end their lives.  Sunday, February 12, 2012, 12-year-old Payton Ruth Anne Richardson ended her young life.  Her friends say, for sure, that it was due to bullying.  The school superintendent says "there was no indication of bullying".  With the climate being what it is around the world right now, that's exactly what one would expect him to say.  I, for one, would have to believe those close to her before believing the paid official.  Whatever happened, the outcome is the tragic same.  This beautiful 12-year-old child is gone.

Immediately, one of her friends posted a video on youtube both as a tribute to her fallen friend and as a social message that's been resonating around the globe for the past few months:  STOP BULLYING!!!  It's heartwarming to know that this was done by our future, the ones who will be leading our country, and world!, soon enough.  I'm beginning to think that THEY get it better than a lot of our adults do, and that's a frightening reality.  I strongly encourage you to not just watch this video, but share it as well.  The message is powerful as it is coming from a close friend of someone who has just left this world.

YOU can prevent bullying.  Don't sit around and watch it happen.  TAKE ACTION!!!

The message can't be any clearer.

To be sure, much is being done right now.  I can attest to the fact that there are people all around the globe doing huge and wonderful things as means to an end, with that "end" being the eradication of bullying and bullycide.  However, until we've actually seen the end of it, much more still needs to be done.  We need more people doing their part to bring this to an end.  We need everyone working in concert, with one crystal-clear goal:  TO END BULLYCIDES...once and for all.  We need to continue to reach out, but that's not enough, either.  We also need to keep the pressure on every school district, and every politician, to implement stronger anti-bullying measures AND enforce them.  Until this ends, we need to be vigilant.

In the meantime, we need to know, immediately!, where to go to get the resources needed if we're "in the moment" or if we suspect that bullying is taking place.  As Kim Towne said TAKE ACTION!!!

Here's a list of resources to keep handy:

STOP Teenage Suicide
WHOF's Suicide Support
ABC:  Anti-Bullying Coalition
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Befrienders
How To Identify and Deal With Bullying (pdf)

To the family and friends of Payton Ruth Anne Richardson, my heart goes out to you.  I wish you peace and comfort in what is sure to be the most heartwrenching time of your lives.  May you now be at peace, Payton.

Love Your Children (No Matter What)

I just read a comment left on a previous blog entry, and it struck me that that was the perfect message to expound upon with this being Valentine's Day.

I'm straight, I have 2 kids. I spoke to them about all aspects of sexuality at several stages in their lives. I assured them that if they were gay or straight, nothing would change my love for them, why would it?? Both of my kids are straight. My daughter had the opportunity to support a close friend of hers, who had a strict religious upbringing. He felt brave enough to come forward because of that support. He doesn't have to hide who he is, and his parents actually get to know what a great kid they have!! You owe it to your children, to let them know early on that you will respect there choices. I would do anything to protect my children, and ensuring them they are loved and accepted is the ultimate gift you can give.

Strong message.  Unfortunately, as was the case with EricJames Borges, that doesn't always happen.  Too often, parents allow their own prejudices, intolerance, and myopic views come between themselves and their teens who are struggling to be accepted just for who they are.  Just the other day, a teenager posted:

All parents should be aware that when they mock or curse gay people, they may be mocking or cursing their own child. 

That is a message I've been stating for years.  I'm afraid that, especially in the so-called Bible Belt region, this plays out far too often.  The problem with that, of course, is that there will always be emotionally wounded teens left in its wake.  They've heard, probably for as long as they can remember, mommy and daddy rant about how sick or perverted or immoral or even "disgusting" gays and lesbians are.  And, of course, mommy and daddy never once took the time to recognize the fact that their own son or daughter could be one of the very people they're ostracizing.  Meanwhile, with each word cutting through them like a dagger, the LGBT teen is slowly but surely being killed by the ones who gave them life.  The ones who are supposed to love them no matter what.  Of course, when I say "being killed", I don't necessarily mean literally.  There are certainly more cases than not where the child survives the verbal abuse handed to them by their parents.  However, emotionally, they are often good as dead.  If not completely flat-lined, they suffer multiple stab wounds by the verbal dagger swung their way by their parents and are left for dead.  In some cases, it takes years for them to recover from that.  Their self-esteem thrown to the ground and run over by a 50-car freight train.

The message in the comment left on the blog entry is about love.  Coincidentally, today, Valentine's Day, is also supposed to be about the same topic.  Take time out today to show the people closest to you that you truly love them just as they are and with no strings attached.  You won't even need a Hallmark card to do that!

Hunter Mack, 14, Recuperates from Suicide Attempt

Friday was not a good day for school kids in two states on separate sides of the country.  There was Drew Ferraro's completely suicide attempt in La Cresenta, CA in front of his classmates.  The students of Cresenta Valley High School, many of them friends of his, were left severely traumatized and to try to make sense of what they had just witnessed.  Their recovery will take years.

On that same day, 14-year-old Hunter Mack, of Walpole, NH, made an unsuccessful attempt, also in front of classmates.  In Drew's case, early reports say that bullying was definitely a factor.  However, in Drew's case, it appears that depression was the biggest factor.  In both cases, the casualty list extends far beyond the victims, themselves.

Despite what some out-of-touch politicians and "religious leaders" are attempting to hoodwink us into believing, the fact of the matter is that this is an epidemic.  It's taken on a life all of its own.  And, as is usually the case when the rubber really meets the road, it will have to we, the ordinary, caring, and compassionate people who will make the necessary changes to end this scourge.  It will have to be those people who have seen one too many young person end their life far, far too soon.  It will have to take the families and friends of past victims to honor their lost loved ones by continuing to reach out to others in hope that no other family, no more friends will have to go through the lifelong pain that they are going through. 

We can't count on our politicians.  Michele Bachmann, and likeminded religious fanatics in her district, virtually declared war on the LGBT teens who reside in her district.  The result has been an explosion of teen suicides in the Anoka-Hennepin district.  Stacey Campfield is busy introducing bills that makes LGBT teens sitting ducks.  His bills will make it ok to bully and abuse them as long as it's for "religious, political, or philosophical beliefs".  He wants it so that teacher would risk losing their careers at the mere mention of the word gay.  And, there are others around the country who are busy trying to pass similar legislations.

Religious leaders are just barely better.  And, to be sure, not all religious leaders are all-condemning of LGBT youth or the LGBT community in general.  Similarly, not all politicians are jackasses, either.

Still, the change that is desperately needed at this very point-in-time is going to have to at least START with us, the common folk.  We who care.  We who are right there on the battlefront watching the carnage.  The bright side of that it that there are many regular people in every size, shape, age, and color, and from all around the world!, doing their part to help bring this madness to an end.  And, indeed, things are being done, and progress is being made.  Young people are reaching out to other troubled teens.  Songs are being written; videos recorded.  Hotlines have been set-up.  Online support networks have been set up.  Ordinary people who have just said:  "Enough is Enough!  How can I get involved!?  This has got to end!"  This epidemic must, and will!, be wiped out.

Until we reach that end, there will still be casualties, unfortunately.  But, as we continue to grow massively in numbers, and as we continue to bring global awareness to this issue, we will begin to see that casualty list decrease.  Until that day, however, we have to continue to fight like hell!  There are just too many lives in the balance to do anything else.

At this moment, 14-year-old Hunter Mack lay in a New Hampshire hospital attempting to recover from his attempt at ending his young life.  Let's hope for a speedy recovery for him as well as healing for his family, friends, and schoolmates.  They all have a long journey ahead of them.

Drew Ferraro, 15, Dead of Bullycide

My band played "The Struggle" tonight with the usual zest.  I made it through the whole song without breaking down at some point, which happens especially when we perform it after a recent teen suicide.  It had been relatively calm for the past week or so.  I said to one of my best friends, biggest fans, and occasional reader of the blog that it has been quite for a week or so, and that had me cautiously concerned.  Then, I return home from another triumphant show only to get the news.

Friday, February 11th, 15-yer-old Drew Ferraro succumbed to bullycide.  According to one of Drew's friends, "he was a funny, clever kid who played football and loved heavy metal music and gigs".  Said another friend, "he was definitely bullied and he didn't want to go to school".

The sad irony is that his suicide came mere hours before the release of the very powerful song and video, "It Does Get Better", done by some of the best lesbian talent that the U.K. has to offer.  Seeing that video, hearing that song, albeit not heavy metal, could've very well saved Drew's life.  We'll never know.

It's imperative that everyone has resources readily available in the event that you're faced, eye-to-eye, with a potentially dangerous situation.  Intervention works wonders, and it saves lives.

Wipeout Homophobia on facebook has a wonderful Suicide Support page

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Knowing the signs of depression early on can be a very useful tool.

To the traumatized schoolmates and friends of Drew's who witnessed this event, please seek help.  Sorting through this will be extremely difficult on your own.  To the family of this young man, we wish you our heartfelt condolences.  May you rest in Paradise, Drew Ferraro.

THERE IS POWER IN NUMBERS!!!!

The main objective for my writing this blog everyday is to make a difference.  I found it difficult to sit on the sidelines and watch the horrors of the bullying, the teen suicides, the hatred and intolerance, and everything else that came along with it.  Since its creation, I've learned that the scope of the problem is much greater than I ever would've imagined from the sidelines.

Last week, for example, I learned about the teacher in Oklahoma who let her own bias get in the way of doing her job, which is to educate young minds.  Not liking what I was reading, I got involved.  In turn, we ALL got involved.  Now, the fruits of our labor is evident.

This letter from Khrystal's mother, the high school student from Oklahoma who's teacher allowed her bias to get in the way of a student's education, just came in to the Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook page:

This is Khrystal's mom with another update on the school report situation. Principle Davis called me this afternoon and said that Mrs. Applegate would like to meet with me after the school day was over. I agreed. Khrystal went to the meeting with me, this was about her after all.

Mrs Applegate said that Mrs Ford (superintendent), Mr Davis (principal) and herself had met multiple times to figure out ways to keep this situation from happening again. She admitted it was too late to go back and change how things were handled this year. She talked about not grading Khrystal's note cards this past Friday, which put her on the failing list, and how bad she felt about it. She said Khrystal didn't do anything wrong. She was just afraid of grading a paper where her bias could get in the way. I did not ask her position one way or the other. All we wanted was for a fairly graded report.

[Mrs. Applegate] said that beginning next year there would be safeguards in place to protect the students from situations like this. She then proceeded to tell Khrystal she was more than welcome to complete her desired report and it would be graded with the utmost fairness. Mrs Applegate said Khrystal would also be given extra time to complete the report to make up for the time lost. Mrs Applegate is even allowing Khrystal to use her aunt as one of her 7 references as she just completed a college report on gay marriage. We are extremely excited over that. So, Khrystal won the battle! But the good news does not stop there!

This was not just a win for Khrystal but also for every student in Mrs. Applegate's class. Mrs. Applegate took it further (without suggestion from us) and said she would allow every other student the opportunity to change their topic to whatever they wanted and receive fair grades for merit not topic. She also said that anyone who changed their topic would also be given the extra time to complete their report. This is such a huge win for the students!

Shortly after leaving the meeting, I ran into one of Khrystals peers who said that a number of students were told they had to change topics (including himself) and that Khrystal was the only one to stand her ground. He was thrilled that someone stood up for what was right and wished more people had that courage. He is excited to complete his original topic. So, not only did Khrystal win the battle, with all of your support, she won the war for everyone!

Our family has been extremely blessed to have had the support from each of you. Your calls and emails to the school administration, your suggestions, your prayers, your ultimate support made this happen.

We need to give special thanks to Aunt Megan Stewart, Uncle Rob Tirawat and Honorary Uncle Alex Tooke for stepping up and getting the ball rolling when I did not know where to start. Without these three people, this issue would not have gained the momentum necessary for Khrystal's cause to succeed.

Our deepest gratitude goes to everyone world wide who supported Khrystal. Our love and prayers go out to each of you!!!

Naturally, my first reaction was elation!!!  Elated that Khrystal was able to explore her own mind and write creatively about what she chose to write about.  Elated because all of the support, from so many of you, made such a positive impact not just on Khrystal but on the other students and, especially, Gale Applegate.  Elated because we can now see without a doubt the power of numbers!  This could not have been possible if not for so many of you getting heatedly involved.

The beauty of it all goes even beyond Khrystal, her paper, and even this particular class.  The beauty of it is that, because of the power of numbers, there will now be safeguards in place at Eufaula High School to ensure that this never, ever happens again.  I can't even begin to tell you how big that is.  So, on behalf of Khrystal and Kimberlee, her mother, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved and supporting Khrystal.

Thank you, Gale Applegate, for reexamining and reconsidering your stance on this matter.  It means a lot to the future of the students you'll be in charge of teaching.

There is definitely, and definitively!, power in numbers!