Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A Sense of Hopelessness

Since I've started down this path of trying raise awareness to the troubles and issues dealing with teen/gay-teen suicide and bullying, I've come across quite a few young people who, for lack of a better term, exuded a sense of sheer hopelessness.  I have a problem with that.

When you're 18, 19, 20 years old and feel hopeless, there's a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.  With some, I'm sure that depression plays a huge role.  As adults, and as parents to these young people, it is imperative that we not only know what depression looks like, but know exactly what to do when we see it.    We can never lose sight of the fact that teen-aged depression is at the root of many of the teen suicides.

Today, on three separate occasions, I heard from young people who sounded thoroughly defeat.  None of them were over the age of 21.  One quote was "what's the point?".  Another defeatist remark was "whatever happens, happens...I've grown tired and careless."  Is it just me, or is there a deep-seeded problem here?

I've said this several times before, and I'm sure I'll say it many more:  it's the adults, THE PARENTS, who need to be educated first and foremost.  In two of the three "cases" I mentioned, I know that the home environment is hostile at best.  One, an 18-year-old, is making plans for just leaving home and trying to make it on his own.  Not necessarily a bad idea, all things considered.  In another case, the youngster is constantly "bullied" by his parents, belittled and even laughed at because he's gay.  When I was in my deepest depression, following the sudden death of my closest friend at the time, the best my mother could offer me was "get over it."  That doesn't work. (and, again, thank God that I'm a resilient person.  Even though it took a couple decades, literally, for me to honestly be at peace with the loss, I did survive)  When there's little-to-no home stability, when there's no support system in the home, when taking it to the streets as a means of rescuing oneself, the issue is clearly that of the adults in their lives or, more specifically, THE PARENTS.

What's at stake, clearly, is the lives of thousands of young lives each year.  With their emotional stability in the balance, it's foolish to think that we can begin to lower the number of teen/gay teen suicides without also addressing the home environment and the parents.  There has been cases where the teen was fully supported and greatly loved by his parents and family, and he still committed suicide.  So, what, then, is the risk factor for the teens who live in hostile or non-supportive (which is equally damaging) home environments, who has parents who range from just not giving a damn to being actually emotionally abusive?  Where does that leave them?  That's an easy answer:  It leaves them with a sense of hopelessness.  And, out of that sense of hopelessness, rarely does anything good come.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Passing of the Baton

On November 28th, the world lost one of its strongest leaders in the campaign against bullying and for gay-teen suicide prevention.  Any teen suicide, for that matter.  Roger Crouch's work affected many people all around the world.  One can't help but think that he was just really getting started.  His loss has reverberated around the globe.

A year earlier, Roger's gay teen son, Dominic, committed suicide.  He was yet another victim of what is now known as bullycide.  Apparently, Dom had taken a dare, kissed a boy, and was severely ridiculed for it.  Roger, and his lovely wife Paola, turned the tragedy, and sheer heartbreak, into positive action.  Roger campaigned vigorously to change the climate of hate, to end the bullying, and to prevent more teens, gay and straight alike, from committing suicide.  And, his work was recognized around the world.

Now, a leader is gone.  The baton has to be passed on.  I believe that there are emerging warriors in the battle who are ready and able to share the baton and continue Roger's work.  I believe firmly that if each person does everything in their power, in whatever capacity they're capable of, to fight this terrible epidemic, change will come.

Today, Roger's grief-stricken wife posted this message on a facebook page dedicated to Dominic.  The question now is "who is ready to take on the call to action?"

"Please do believe in all young people as individuals and support them in whatever way you can. Sometimes, a couple of words is all it needs. The day Domi died, no one spoke to him. It breaks my heart. Teenage suicide through bullying is preventable; remember that! Never forget it. Roger's legacy is a massive push against hatred and bigotry. It is not banter if it is aimed at one, isolated target. Please teach children in your school to have the tools to deal with these situations when they arise. Dom' problem was that apparently bullying did not exist in his school and therefore there was no support system in place. Disgraceful, even after the suicide of another girl nine months before. I will never forgive them because they have not had the decency to hold their hands up and say 'we have a problem here, a bad problem, let's deal with it'. Stonewall offered to go in and support them and they declined the offer.
What breaks my heart further is that Roger was doing such a good job of getting the message across, reaching very influential people. I simply do not have the expertise to carry on. I am hoping against hope that colleagues who knew Roger will understand what he was trying to achieve and will take up the baton. The war is not yet won."


Thank you, Paola.  And, thank you Roger Crouch.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Tyler Clementi's Tormenter Opts for Trial

Dharun Ravi, the young man who, last year, thought it would be cute to secretly videotape 18-year-old Tyler Clementi as he had sex with another young man then post it to the Internet Friday rejected a plea deal that would've kept him out of prison AND help prevent his deportation back to his native India.  Really?  He'd rather go to trial in February, where he won't get any deals from the State.  And, I think that's appropriate.  His foolish actions cost the life of an 18-year-old just starting to find his way in life.  Tyler Clementi had just started his college career at Rutgers, as had Ravi.  Ravi's decision to expose Tyler, shame him, instead costed his life.  If we're to send the message that we will have zero-tolerance for bullying, I don't think he SHOULD get anything but the stiffest penalties allowable by law.  Make no mistake:  many of these young people who bully understand that the worst that will happen to them is a slap on the wrist.  Big deal.  "Three days detention"!?  Not a problem.  Complete expulsion and jail time?  They'd think twice before bullying these young, vulnerable people.

Dharun Ravi deserves to pay for his actions.  Tyler Clementi paid because of them.

My Own Suicide Attempt(s)

I was talking with a friend last night when he confided that he'd attempted suicide back when he was a younger man.  That prompted me to confide in him, as well, that I had also attempted suicide...several times.  He was quite surprised to learn that.  Until that revelation, he thought that I was "...just an observer."  No, Scott, I'm not just an observer.  I've got a personal stake in this battle.  Two, actually.  I was brutally beaten in a gay bashing at age 12, too.  So, I know where I'm coming from with these writings.  I've been there, done that.  And, I've lived to tell about it...to try and help others who are struggling.  See, according to my doctors at the time, I shouldn't even be here right now.  I was, according to them, only supposed to leave that hospital one a slab with a toe tag.  I'm so glad, now, that they gave my family bad information.

The 80s were a tumultuous time for me, to put it mildly.  I should've known that it was going to be a long decade when my closest friend, at that time, was violently snatched away from me on a cold February night.  Got out of my car at 6; gone forever by 7.  It took me until just within the past year to be able to put that in its proper place and move on.  A part of me died that day, as well.

The middle 80s were not so pretty, either.  I lost my mother in 1984.  From there, things just spiraled straight downward.  The summer of '85, well let's just say that I wouldn't wish that on anyone!  So, I'd reached my breaking point.  The only way I could see to end the decade-long pain and hurt was to check out. I saw no reason whatsoever for me to stay on this planet.  However, I've always been a pretty smart guy, I guess.  I knew that I didn't want to make some half-ass attempt and end up in ICU at a local hospital.  That would only make things ten times worse.  No.  I had to make sure that the attempt was thorough enough to not be an attempt, but a success.

I called the local Poison Control Center.  Feigning distress over "my friend" who had just taken a whole bottle of pills and was passed out, I was able to learn from the person on the other end that my "friend", who just happened to be the exact same size as myself, hadn't taken enough to kill "him".  "However, you should get him to a hospital as soon as possible so they can pump his stomach."  I also was able to find out that, for a person "his" size, it would take TWICE the amount that "he'd" taken.  Bingo!  So, I hung up, went to the store and bought the second bottle of pills.  ICU was NOT an option.  Two days later, I woke up, indeed in ICU.  My family told me that there was "...no way [I'd] make it through this...", that I "had enough poison in [me] to kill a horse."  God had other plans.

The second attempt was just a couple weeks later.  I bought even more pills to go along with the amount that was supposed to be lethal in the first place!  Same result.

Now very determined, I made my third attempt.  I took a tie, made a noose, went to the closet to die.  The tie broke.  I regained consciousness on the closet floor.

Drowning myself didn't work, either.  Attempting to fill ones lungs with water is quite painful, indeed.  I aborted that one very quickly.

My fifth and final attempt was something I'd seen on television and in movies that was guaranteed to work.  I found myself a syringe and shot an air ball into my veins.  Nothing.  I shot again.  Same results.  And, a third time.  All that came from that was a badly bruised and painful arm.  And, that's when it dawned on me:  God's in control.  I accepted that it just wasn't my time to leave here, that there was something(s) left for me to do.  So, I surrendered.  I didn't know WHAT it was that I was supposed to do, or learn, or whatever.  I only knew, without a doubt, that I should've been dead several times over.  But, I wasn't.  And, I'm not.

I worked my way through all of the troubles that were mounted before me a little bit at a time.  Not very long after my final suicide attempt, I saw someone who inspired me to pick up a guitar and learn to play it.  That evolved into me eventually releasing my first CD, "Better Late Than Never", which is now being listened to around the world.  I'm currently working on a second CD, with a third one to be recorded with my band shortly thereafter.

But, that wasn't enough.  That was something that was part of the bigger picture, the book that would be my life, but it wasn't enough.  There was something more I was supposed to be doing.

I've always been a writer.  Poems and short stories from an early age; lyrics as I grew older.  And, my writing has always gotten attention.

I've always been greatly concerned about the issue of gay teen suicide.  It's nothing new to me.  I'd seen it as a younger man.  Of course, it was never listed as a "gay teen suicide".  Wrong era for that.  But, I could tell.  I could read between the carefully crafted lines of the news article and be able to see that our community had lost yet another one.  I started writing about it in some of the songs I would write.  No one outside of my fan base really paid attention to them.

In October of this year, something happened that changed my life forever.  I found my true voice!  I found out why He didn't take me away when I so desperately wanted and tried to 26 years ago.  Sadly, it took the suicide of Jamie Hubley, a gay youth whom I never knew, to awaken me to my true purpose here:  to use my voice, through my writing, to try and save some lives.  To be on the frontline in this army to bring about change.

I've learned a lot through this journey.  I've learned that I'm not going to reach everybody.  For all of my efforts, somewhere in the world we've lost another one since I started writing this entry.  I've learned that the buzzword for today's gay youth really is true:  It DOES Get Better.  We just have to allow ourselves time to live it.  I've learned that life isn't always fair.  It can be awful brutal at time.  But, it's a spectacular ride.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

How Can We Bring Change?

I've been doing a lot of talking, and listening, to people, young and old, about the issue of bullying and teen suicide.  Many are wondering "what can we do to stop this?"  Some, especially the younger ones, are saying "I just don't think it's ever going to change."  Sadly, a lot of the younger ones recognize that there are a lot of people saying a lot of good things, but there's no ACTION being taken.  There are steps that we can take RIGHT NOW to start changing the atmosphere of bullying and, by extension, teen and gay-teen suicide.

Of course, the young people need to be educated.  They need to be taught that everyone is equal and a human being, that no one deserves to be taken advantage of, looked down upon, or certainly victimized.  But, it's far deeper than just educating the young.  Educate THE ADULTS! At in that age bracket, the young is only mimicking behaviors they've been taught or have seen. Also, in many cases, it mirrors the home atmosphere. So, the bottom line is that it HAS to start at home. But, it doesn't stop there. In the schools, teachers and administrators need to be much better trained to 1.) recognize it; and, 2.) intervene immediately. The punishments in school should be swift and severe. This is a winnable war. Everyone just needs to do their part.


On facebook, there's a wonderful group of young people with a page, "Students Speak Up".  It's an anti-bullying page, and they've set up a "posse" for people who wants to get deeper involved.  I highly encourage everyone who's serious about bringing change to our society to check them out and join the "posse".  They also have a web page separate of their facebook page: http://www.studentsspeakup.org/

There's other organizations.  "Stand Together" is a group started by Sirdeaner Walker, mother of an 11 year old suicide victim.  I signed up for that one today the moment I learned about it.  There's not much on the website, itself, for you to engage in.  However, by signing up, you're adding one more name to a petition that Sirdeaner is hand-delivering to Congress to force them to pay attention and make changes.  That's vital.  With four states having very little on their books to protect kids from bullying; with one State trying (and, failing!) to push through legislature that would condone bullying if it was done for religious or moral reasons; and, with one State having a Presidential candidate who happens to have a gay teen suicide epidemic in the district she currently represents (her policies on gays having EVERYTHING to do with it), Congress is a very good place to go with this.

Elton John said:  "if there's a God in Heaven, what's He waiting for?  If he can't hear the children, then He must see the war.  But, it seems to me that He leads His lambs, to the slaughterhouse, and not the Promised Land."("If There's A God in Heaven, Blue Moves, 1976)  I believe there's a God in Heaven.  I also believe, however, that He helps those who helps themselves.  We've gotta take this issue by the horn and wrestle it into submission.  It's a winnable war.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Jonah Speaks on Good Morning America

In case you missed it, and I did by mere minutes, Jonah and his wonderful family were on Good Morning America this morning speaking out publicly for the first time since the frenzy began last weekend.  Okay, let me first say to those who lashed out at my posts yesterday about Jonahmania that you're missing, completely, what I was saying.  Let me tell you that watching that raw video from August STILL makes me cry!  The 12-year-old boy inside of me who was savagely beaten in a gay bashing felt every single bit of Jonah's pain.  As he cried, I cried.  And, in the end, as he vowed to fight on, I, too, chose to fight on through it.  I'm so glad that I did.  He will be, too.

This doesn't mean, mind you, that I'm wavering one iota from my stance that, as we saw again this morning on GMA, Jonah is okay.  Better yet, he's going to BE okay.  My "rant", as it was called, remains intact:  share some of this now-overabundant love and support with some of the other, hidden, teens who are in the exact same boat that Jonah was in in August and let THEM know that there's hope for them.  Let THEM know that there's literally millions upon millions of people worldwide, thanks largely to Jonah's video, who are willing to be there for them, as well.  See, Jacob Rogers didn't feel that love and support.  Now, he's gone.  I'm not ready to move past that one yet.  He struggled in his final days while the world gushed over Jonah.  Not a knock on Jonah; a knock on us as a people.  You call it a rant; I call it the blinding truth.  Tomato, tomato.

In Jonah's interview, we get to see a healthy, happy Jonah along with his loving, supportive family.  Heartwarming.  Johan said that he's very happy that "the topic is getting the attention it needs to", finally.  That's his gift to us.  He encouraged other at-risk teens who are being bullied to "tell your parents...because keeping it in just makes it a lot harder." And, again, his unspoken message was, "I'm ok.  Things were really dark then, but I'm ok."

I embrace Jonah Mowry.  Undoubtedly, millions of other teens in the same boat do, as well.  It took unprecedented courage for him to make that early morning video last August.  We're a better people because he did.

Rest in Peace Cameron DeVeronica (14 Year Old Victim of Bullycide)

Eight days into the month, and I'm telling you about a 4th teen suicide that came at the hands of bullying.  Fourteen year old Cameron Lee DeVeronica committed suicide 11/29/2011.  Her friends say she was bullied.  The police are investigating "the extent to which bullying may have played a role in Cameron's death."  Really?

Meanwhile, hundreds of her schoolmates took to the streets with their own effort to end the madness and bring about change.  Said one student, "...there's so much that can be done, and there's so much that could've been done previously to prevent this...and, so much more that should be done."  We need more people like him, young and old, to start stepping up.

How many more young lives do we have to lose before everybody from the Highest Office on down see this for exactly what it is:  an epidemic.  The rollcall for this year's young lives lost to suicide is staggering.  And, the year isn't over.

Kudos to the students of Spencerport High School who joined the battle cry of "enough is enough" and took to the streets.  Rest when and if you need to, but never give this fight.  We need more warriors like you, more voices like Jonah Mowry's, and a more concerted effort by our leaders in order to bring about the changes that will matter.

Bullying should not be punished by detention.  Detention means they eventually get to go back to school.  Jamie Hubley, Ben Lewis, Jacob Rogers, and now Cameron DeVeronica, amongst too many others, will never get that opportunity again.  Bullying needs to be treated as the hate crime that it is.

There's been a facebook page set up in her honor.  A place for remembering, and for healing.  Follow the link, check it out, and "like" it.  Show your continued support for this effort.  Do everything you can think of doing, then do a little more.  Enough really is enough.

Rest in Peace, Cameron Lee DeVeronica.