Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Asperger's and Being Bullied

There was a very sobering video posted today on the facebook blog page, courtesy of Stop Teenage Suicide and Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook.  Sobering because it was a mother telling how her 5-year-old son had been bullied to the point where he wanted to die.  Five years old!!!  There can't be a more resounding wake-up call than that.

The story of 5-year-old Aden is both heartbreaking and familiar.  Heartbreaking, for obvious reasons.  When you have anyone feeling so much emotional pain because of the actions of a few people who carelessly abuse them because they are "different", that's a problem.  When you have a 5-year-old saying he wants to die because of the treatment he's getting, that's a 5-alarm blaze.

I could connect with this because Marty, my 23-year-old surrogate son, deals with the same issue.  Like Aden, Marty is not your average Joe.  He's uniquely Marty.  And, that's okay.  He's highly intelligent, as I'm sure Aden is.  He yearns to be accepted by his peers, like Aden; yet, because he's perceived as different, it's a constant challenge for him to gain acceptance .  As a result, he struggles with social anxiety.  Like Aden, all he yearns for is to be accepted, by his peers, by anybody...simply for being Marty.  That's not asking too much.  Isn't that what we all want?  Sure it is.  And, sadly, like Aden, Marty has voiced on occasions that "I don't belong in this world".  I've worked hard for 3 1/2 years to show him that he's wrong. 

Like Marty, Aden will grow into the understanding that there IS a place in this world for him.  He's got an incredible mother who, right now while he's still very young, is Aden's "voice".  On that, alone, he's got a leg up on Marty.  But, that's a whole different story.  Like Marty, Aden will grow into the understanding that Asperger's is simply something he has to deal with in his life, but it's not who he is.  In the 3 1/2 years he's been with me, Marty has done nothing but grow.  It's amazing what positive reinforcements can do for a person.  It's sad, though, that he had to wait until he was an adult before he had someone who would take the time to give him that daily positive reinforcement.  And, that gives Aden a major leg up!!!  His mother, in speaking out with this video, should win "Mother of the Year" accolades!!  Asperger's isn't a death sentence.  It's just extra luggage to carry as you embark on your journey through life. 

Here's the real problem.  How is it that five-year-old kids can be so intolerant and mean as to make one of their peers want to end his life!?  That's a REAL problem!!  And, there's no way you can blame a 5-year-old for that behavior.  I've said it a thousand times but, obviously, it needs to be said tens of thousands more times:  the issue of bullying isn't just about the young people, IT'S THE ADULTS WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON!!  The young people are learning this level of meanness and intolerance from people much older than themselves.  Take that to the bank.  And, perhaps, it isn't the parents, directly.  Maybe it's the older siblings.  However, the link still goes back to the parents.  Adults are the root to this whole bullying problem, like it or not.  The issue with Aden makes that woefully clear.

I challenge every single adult and, especially, parent to monitor themselves.  Do it for a week.  How are the young people in your life seeing you deal with other people, people you perceive as different?  How are they hearing you talk about a different ethnic group than your own, about members of the LGBT community, about someone with a disability?  How they see and hear YOU deal with people you perceive as "different" is how they are taught to deal with them.  Plain and simple.  And, as is made obvious by this video and 5-year-old Aden, they learn young. 

Spread love.

Embrace diversity.

Teach acceptance.

It's the only way we're going to change this culture of hatred and intolerance.  As Aden's mother stated poetically in the video:  "Love...cures.  Hate...kills.  Be nice to others.  It starts with you."  It's really just that simple.

10 comments:

  1. I cried at this as i too have aspergers and i felt same way at school got bullied to the point i wanted to die but im kk now i love my aspergers now x steven david bell facebook

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  2. Thank you for this post. My 9 yo son also has aspergers n for so long was misdiagnosed and I continued begging for help as he would also tell me he wanted to die cause children are so mean to him. As a mother I just wanted to take his pain away. Everyday I make sure he knows how very special he is and how loved he is. things are slowly gettin better now with lots of help from his school, doctors, therapists, his medication n the love of his family

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    1. My son just turned 10. He has Asperger's & has been bullied relentlessly since grade 1. He's been stabbed in the back of the neck with a pencil, punched in the head & lost his memory. Had his brand new glasses broken. Punched in the stomach. Grabbed in the privates. Shoved into the walls everyday when he walks his brother to class. It's all documented in his agenda. It wasn't until this year that the same kid spat in his sandwich that I became enraged. I threatened to call the police & have the child charged. The school kept telling me "they are working with the parents". It's not zero tolerance anymore. It's called " progressive discipline". Since both boys are in special education class (together), this kid can beat up my kid everyday & nothing is done. Not ok!!! My son even asked to buy him a "best friend" slap bracelet. I asked him "why". He told me because "you told me that hurt people hurt people & I thought that maybe if I got him this bracelet, he would know that I am his friend & it will make him feel better." After the sandwich incident, the school had the child's parents involved FINALLY. MY son received a letter from the bully detailing everything he had been doing to my son. Stuff I didn't even know about. He apologized for everything. He made him a new sandwich (I'm not sure I would have eaten it) it's the thought that counts though. This child now spends almost every weekend at our home. This "bully" needed some positive male Role model in his life. He needed to know that someone cared & he also needed to know that Kyle's mom isn't going to tolerate ANY bullying behaviour from him. He's a really good kid. He has issues for sure but a lot of them have improved since having a place to come where he feels cared about. I'm not saying he didn't get that at home but a lot of parents work full-time & these kids do it to get attention any way they can. Kyle & his bully are best friends now.

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  3. Aden is my grandson. Thank you and all who share his story. I love you all. <3

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  4. I can totally relate to this story...and my heart goes out to Aden and his family...My son was young when he was bullied too...One day he was crying when I picked him up from school and told me that he'd rather die than have to keep going to school...Those words almost stopped my heart...and totally crushed me...to have someone I love with everything I have to feel that way at such a young age was overwhelming...I thank God that he had the support of his older sisters along the way as well...I had many...many days of complaining to the school...but not much was ever done about it...besides a talking to the bullies...Which most of the time doesn't really do much to make them stop...Now that my son is older he's not had to deal with it as much...he has good friends and seems alot happier with life...thank God...
    I know there is bullying at every school...high school...even into college and with adults...I will never understand why some people feel the need to be so mean and hurtful to others...but I do feel there needs to be stiffer penalties for these acts of violence...It breaks my heart to know that there are so many young people having to live with this on a daily basis...For all of them...I pray for it to end ASAP...and send positive vibes to the family members...Stay strong and keep your heads up...xo

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  5. Thank you so so much for helping in this fight! I also have Asperger's Syndrome, and although I am no longer bullied because I'm in college, I remember it, and I know that a lot of others with Asperger's Syndrome have a harder time than I do. Don't let your kids bully or be bullied, and make sure they know when they're being bullied! I hope that someday people look back on this "bullying" mess and think "Wow, people back then were so hateful!"
    I love being different, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't have Asperger's Syndrome, but I still don't like being bullied!

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  6. This story breaks my heart. I was not born with Asperger's but with Agenesis Corpus Callosum, born without the Corpus Callosum and much of my affect and behavior, social and emotional and communications skills can be very similar to high functioning Autism. I was bullied mercilessly as a child and adolescent, I'm also gay, and have always felt that was "another mark against me" with many people.

    If children in my time did what they did to me today, there would likely be legal repercussions, I was burnt with cigarettes, thrown out of a window (in school mind you)beaten almost daily on the bus to school.

    I want so much for there to be awareness raised about this, I want so much for bullying legislation to be passed. My heart goes out to Aiden's family and all those that are targeted because they are "different" (who ISN'T "different" really?) My own blog "A Boy with a Whole in His Head" http://www.aboywithawholeinhishead.info talks about my own journey and struggle with difference and disability...but I know I am not alone. I see what is happening to many children today, and that it is even leading to suicide and it causes me grief that I can't even put into words.

    Please everyone, spread awareness, understanding, and love.
    Sincerely "me"

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  7. Every word in this post...I'm eating it up. Especially when you said:

    Spread love.

    Embrace diversity.

    Teach acceptance.

    Thank you for sharing Aden's story, chiming in on the Life After Hate site and via Facebook with your insight and views on this sensitive and important topic.

    I continue to be humbled by the amazing people like Jessica and you that exist in this world...people who I am blessed to have organically found my way to...

    Thank you!
    Berni Xiong

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  8. I just came across that video--and, by coincidence, this blog a few minutes later. I am a 50-something guy who was diagnoised with Asperger's in the 1990s. I experienced teasing all through school--as well as bullying when I was a teenager and harassment as an adult. It has always been the "normality Nazis" who have given me the most trouble.

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  9. California defense attorney Karolyn Kovtun called autistic crime victim a retard. Is this what crime victims who have ASD have to look forward from our criminal justice system?

    http://www.valleycenter.com/Articles-News-c-2013-05-22-83879.113122-Oakleys-seek-sanction-against-opposing-attorney-for-inappropriate-comments-about-their-son.html

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